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in the shade of the house in the sunshine of the riverbank near the boats in the shade of the sal-wood forest in the shade of the fig tree is where grew up the handsome son of the the young falcon together with his friend son of a
sun tanned his light shoulders by the banks of the river when bathing performing the sacred ablutions the sacred offerings
in the mango grove shade poured into his black eyes when playing as a boy when his mother sang when the sacred offerings were made when his father the scholar taught him when the wise men talked
a long time had been partaking in the discussions of the wise men practising debate with practising with the art of reflection the service of meditation
he already knew how to speak the silently the word of words to speak it silently into himself while inhaling to speak it silently out of himself while exhaling with all the concentration of his soul the forehead surrounded by the glow of the clear-thinking spirit
he already knew to feel in the depths of his being indestructible one with the universe
leapt in his father's heart for his son who was quick to learn thirsty for knowledge
he saw him growing up to become great wise man and priest a prince among the
leapt in his mother's breast when she saw him when she saw him walking when she saw him sit down and get up strong handsome he who was walking on slender legs greeting her with perfect respect
touched the hearts of the brahmans young daughters when walked through the lanes of the town with the luminous forehead with the eye of a king with his slim hips
more than all the others he was loved by his friend the son of a
he loved eye and sweet voice he loved his walk and the perfect decency of his movements he loved everything did and said and what he loved most was his spirit his transcendent fiery thoughts his ardent will his high calling
knew
he would not become a common not a lazy official in charge of offerings
not a greedy merchant with magic spells
not a vain vacuous speaker
not a mean deceitful priest
and also not a decent stupid sheep in the herd of the many
no and he as well did not want to become one of those not one of those tens of thousands of
he wanted to follow the beloved the splendid
in days to come when would become a god when he would join the glorious then wanted to follow him as his friend his companion his servant his spear-carrier his shadow
was thus loved by everyone
he was a source of joy for everybody he was a delight for them all
he was not a source of joy for himself he found no delight in himself
the rosy paths of the fig tree garden sitting in the bluish shade of the grove of contemplation washing his limbs daily in the bath of repentance sacrificing in the dim shade of the mango forest his gestures of perfect decency everyone's love and joy he still lacked all joy in his heart
and restless thoughts came into his mind flowing from the water of the river sparkling from the stars of the night melting from the beams of the sun dreams came to him and a restlessness of the soul fuming from the sacrifices breathing forth from the verses of the rig-veda being infused into him drop by drop from the teachings of the old
had started to nurse discontent in himself he had started to feel that the love of his father and the love of his mother and also the love of his friend would not bring him joy for ever and ever would not nurse him feed him satisfy him
he had started to suspect that his venerable father and his other teachers that the wise had already revealed to him the most and best of their wisdom that they had already filled his expecting vessel with their richness and the vessel was not full the spirit was not content the soul was not calm the heart was not satisfied
ablutions were good but they were water they did not wash off the sin they did not heal the spirit's thirst they did not relieve the fear in his heart
sacrifices and the invocation of the gods were excellent but was that all
the sacrifices give a happy fortune
what about the gods
it really who had created the world
it not the he the only one the singular one
the gods not creations created like me and you subject to time mortal
it therefore good was it right was it meaningful and the highest occupation to make offerings to the gods
whom else were offerings to be made who else was to be worshipped but the only one the
where was to be found where did he reside where did his eternal heart beat where else but in one's own self in its innermost part in its indestructible part which everyone had in himself
where where was this self this innermost part this ultimate part
it was not flesh and bone it was neither thought nor consciousness thus the wisest ones taught
so where where was it
to reach this place the self myself the there was another way which was worthwhile looking for
and nobody showed this way nobody knew it not the father and not the teachers and wise men not the holy sacrificial songs
knew everything the and their holy books they knew everything they had taken care of everything and of more than everything the creation of the world the origin of speech of food of inhaling of exhaling the arrangement of the senses the acts of the gods they knew infinitely much but was it valuable to know all of this not knowing that one and only thing the most important thing the solely important thing
many verses of the holy books particularly in the of spoke of this innermost and ultimate thing wonderful verses
soul is the whole world was written there and it was written that man in his sleep in his deep sleep would meet with his innermost part and would reside in the
wisdom was in these verses all knowledge of the wisest ones had been collected here in magic words pure as honey collected by bees
no not to be looked down upon was the tremendous amount of enlightenment which lay here collected and preserved by innumerable generations of wise
where were the where the priests where the wise men or penitents who had succeeded in not just knowing this deepest of all knowledge but also to live it
was the knowledgeable one who wove his spell to bring his familiarity with the out of the sleep into the state of being awake into the life into every step of the way into word and deed
knew many venerable chiefly his father the pure one the scholar the most venerable one
father was to be admired quiet and noble were his manners pure his life wise his words delicate and noble thoughts lived behind its brow
but even he who knew so much did he live in blissfulness did he have peace was he not also just a searching man a thirsty man
he not again and again have to drink from holy sources as a thirsty man from the offerings from the books from the disputes of the
did he the irreproachable one have to wash off sins every day strive for a cleansing every day over and over every day
not in him did not the pristine source spring from his heart
it had to be found the pristine source in one's own self it had to be possessed
else was searching was a detour was getting lost
were thoughts this was his thirst this was his suffering
he spoke to himself from a chandogya-upanishad the words
the name of the is satyam verily he who knows such a thing will enter the heavenly world every day
it seemed near the heavenly world but never he had reached it completely never he had quenched the ultimate thirst
among all the wise and wisest men he knew and whose instructions he had received among all of them there was no one who had reached it completely the heavenly world who had quenched it completely the eternal thirst
spoke to his friend my dear come with me under the tree let's practise meditation
went to the tree they sat down right here twenty paces away
putting himself down ready to speak the repeated murmuring the verse
is the bow the arrow is soul is the arrow's target one should incessantly hit
the usual time of the exercise in meditation had passed rose
evening had come it was time to perform the evening's ablution
he called name
did not answer
sat there lost in thought his eyes were rigidly focused towards a very distant target the tip of his tongue was protruding a little between the teeth he seemed not to breathe
sat he wrapped up in contemplation thinking his soul sent after the as an arrow
had travelled through town ascetics on a pilgrimage three skinny withered men neither old nor young with dusty and bloody shoulders almost naked scorched by the sun surrounded by loneliness strangers and enemies to the world strangers and lank jackals in the realm of humans
them blew a hot scent of quiet passion of destructive service of merciless self-denial
in the evening after the hour of contemplation spoke to
tomorrow morning my friend will go to the
he will become a
turned pale when he heard these words and read the decision in the motionless face of his friend unstoppable like the arrow shot from the bow
and with the first glance realized
it is beginning now is taking his own way now his fate is beginning to sprout and with his my own
he turned pale like a dry banana-skin
o he exclaimed will your father permit you to do that
looked over as if he was just waking up
arrow-fast he read in soul read the fear read the submission
o he spoke quietly let's not waste words
at daybreak I will begin the life of the
no more of it
entered the chamber where his father was sitting on a mat of bast and stepped behind his father and remained standing there until his father felt that someone was standing behind him
the
is that you
say what you came to say
your permission my father
I came to tell you that it is my longing to leave your house tomorrow and go to the ascetics
my desire is to become a
my father not oppose this
fell silent and remained silent for so long that the stars in the small window wandered and changed their relative positions 'ere the silence was broken
and motionless stood the son with his arms folded silent and motionless sat the father on the mat and the stars traced their paths in the sky
spoke the father
proper it is for a to speak harsh and angry words
indignation is in my heart
I wish not to hear this request for a second time from your mouth
the rose
stood silently his arms folded
are you waiting for
asked the father
know what
the father left the chamber
indignant he went to his bed and lay down
an hour since no sleep had come over his eyes the stood up paced to and fro and left the house
the small window of the chamber he looked back inside and there he saw standing his arms folded not moving from his spot
shimmered his bright robe
anxiety in his heart the father returned to his bed
another hour since no sleep had come over his eyes the stood up again paced to and fro walked out of the house and saw that the moon had risen
the window of the chamber he looked back inside
there stood not moving from his spot his arms folded moonlight reflecting from his bare shins
worry in his heart the father went back to bed
he came back after an hour he came back after two hours looked through the small window saw standing in the moon light by the light of the stars in the darkness
he came back hour after hour silently he looked into the chamber saw him standing in the same place filled his heart with anger filled his heart with unrest filled his heart with anguish filled it with sadness
in the night's last hour before the day began he returned stepped into the room saw the young man standing there who seemed tall and like a stranger to him
he spoke what are you waiting for
know what
you always stand that way and wait until it'll becomes morning noon and evening
I will stand and wait
will become tired
I will become tired
will fall asleep
I will not fall asleep
will die
I will die
would you rather die than obey your father
has always obeyed his father
so will you abandon your plan
will do what his father will tell him to do
first light of day shone into the room
saw that was trembling softly in his knees
in face he saw no trembling his eyes were fixed on a distant spot
his father realized that even now no longer dwelt with him in his home that he had already left him
touched shoulder
will he spoke go into the forest and be a
you'll have found blissfulness in the forest then come back and teach me to be blissful
if you'll find disappointment then return and let us once again make offerings to the gods together
go now and kiss your mother tell her where you are going to
for me it is time to go to the river and to perform the first ablution
he took his hand from the shoulder of his son and went outside
wavered to the side as he tried to walk
he put his limbs back under control bowed to his father and went to his mother to do as his father had said
as he slowly left on stiff legs in the first light of day the still quiet town a shadow rose near the last hut who had crouched there and joined the pilgrim
have come said and smiled
I have come said
in the evening of this day they caught up with the ascetics the skinny and offered them their companionship and obedience
were accepted
gave his garments to a poor in the street
he wore nothing more than the loincloth and the earth-coloured unsown cloak
he ate only once a day and never something cooked
he fasted for fifteen days
he fasted for twenty-eight days
flesh waned from his thighs and cheeks
dreams flickered from his enlarged eyes long nails grew slowly on his parched fingers and a dry shaggy beard grew on his chin
glance turned to ice when he encountered women
his mouth twitched with contempt when he walked through a city of nicely dressed people
he saw merchants trading princes hunting mourners wailing for their dead whores offering themselves physicians trying to help the sick priests determining the most suitable day for seeding lovers loving mothers nursing their children and all of this was not worthy of one look from his eye it all lied it all stank it all stank of lies it all pretended to be meaningful and joyful and beautiful and it all was just concealed putrefaction
world tasted bitter
was torture
a goal stood before a single goal
to become empty empty of thirst empty of wishing empty of dreams empty of joy and sorrow
to himself not to be a self any more to find tranquility with an emptied heart to be open to miracles in unselfish thoughts that was his goal
all of my self was overcome and had died once every desire and every urge was silent in the heart then the ultimate part of me had to awake the innermost of my being which is no longer my self the great secret
exposed himself to burning rays of the sun directly above glowing with pain glowing with thirst and stood there until he neither felt any pain nor thirst any more
he stood there in the rainy season from his hair the water was dripping over freezing shoulders over freezing hips and legs and the penitent stood there until he could not feel the cold in his shoulders and legs any more until they were silent until they were quiet
he cowered in the thorny bushes blood dripped from the burning skin from festering wounds dripped pus and stayed rigidly stayed motionless until no blood flowed any more until nothing stung any more until nothing burned any more
sat upright and learned to breathe sparingly learned to get along with only few breathes learned to stop breathing
he learned beginning with the breath to calm the beat of his heart leaned to reduce the beats of his heart until they were only a few and almost none
by the oldest of the practised self-denial practised meditation according to a new rules
a heron flew over the bamboo forest and accepted the heron into his soul flew over forest and mountains was a heron ate fish felt the pangs of a heron's hunger spoke the heron's croak died a heron's death
a dead jackal was lying on the sandy bank and soul slipped inside the body was the dead jackal lay on the banks got bloated stank decayed was dismembered by hyaenas was skinned by vultures turned into a skeleton turned to dust was blown across the fields
soul returned had died had decayed was scattered as dust had tasted the gloomy intoxication of the cycle awaited in new thirst like a hunter in the gap where he could escape from the cycle where the end of the causes where an eternity without suffering began
he killed his senses he killed his memory he slipped out of his self into thousands of other forms was an animal was carrion was stone was wood was water and awoke every time to find his old self again sun shone or moon was his self again turned round in the cycle felt thirst overcame the thirst felt new thirst
learned a lot when he was with the many ways leading away from the self he learned to go
he went the way of self-denial by means of pain through voluntarily suffering and overcoming pain hunger thirst tiredness
he went the way of self-denial by means of meditation through imagining the mind to be void of all conceptions
and other ways he learned to go a thousand times he left his self for hours and days he remained in the non-self
though the ways led away from the self their end nevertheless always led back to the self
fled from the self a thousand times stayed in nothingness stayed in the animal in the stone the return was inevitable inescapable was the hour when he found himself back in the sunshine or in the moonlight in the shade or in the rain and was once again his self and and again felt the agony of the cycle which had been forced upon him
by his side lived his shadow walked the same paths undertook the same efforts
rarely spoke to one another than the service and the exercises required
the two of them went through the villages to beg for food for themselves and their teachers
do you think spoke one day while begging this way how do you think did we progress
we reach any goals
answered
we have learned and we'll continue learning
you'll be a great
you've learned every exercise often the old have admired you
day you'll be a holy man
I can't help but feel that it is not like this my friend
I've learned being among the up to this day this I could have learned more quickly and by simpler means
in every tavern of that part of a town where the whorehouses are my friend among carters and gamblers I could have learned it
is putting me on
could you have learned meditation holding your breath insensitivity against hunger and pain there among these wretched people
said quietly as if he was talking to himself
is meditation
is leaving one's body
is fasting
is holding one's breath
it is fleeing from the self it is a short escape of the agony of being a self it is a short numbing of the senses against the pain and the pointlessness of life
same escape the same short numbing is what the driver of an ox-cart finds in the inn drinking a few bowls of rice-wine or fermented coconut-milk
he won't feel his self any more then he won't feel the pains of life any more then he finds a short numbing of the senses
he falls asleep over his bowl of rice-wine he'll find the same what and find when they escape their bodies through long exercises staying in the non-self
is how it is
say so friend and yet you know that is no driver of an ox-cart and a is no drunkard
it's true that a drinker numbs his senses it's true that he briefly escapes and rests but he'll return from the delusion finds everything to be unchanged has not become wiser has gathered no enlightenment has not risen several steps
spoke with a smile
I do not know I've never been a drunkard
that I find only a short numbing of the senses in my exercises and meditations and that I am just as far removed from wisdom from salvation as a child in the mother's womb this I know this I know
once again another time when left the forest together with to beg for some food in the village for their brothers and teachers began to speak and said
now might we be on the right path
we get closer to enlightenment
we get closer to salvation
or do we perhaps live in a circle
we who have thought we were escaping the cycle
we have learned a lot there is still much to learn
we are not going around in circles we are moving up the circle is a spiral we have already ascended many a level
answered
old would you think is our oldest our venerable teacher
oldest one might be about sixty years of age
he has lived for sixty years and has not reached the nirvana
he'll turn seventy and eighty and you and me we will grow just as old and will do our exercises and will fast and will meditate
we will not reach the nirvana he won't and we won't
I believe out of all the out there perhaps not a single one not a single one will reach the nirvana
we find comfort we find numbness we learn feats to deceive others
the most important thing the path of paths we will not find
if you only spoke wouldn't speak such terrible words
could it be that among so many learned men among so many among so many austere and venerable among so many who are searching so many who are eagerly trying so many holy men no one will find the path of paths
said in a voice which contained just as much sadness as mockery with a quiet a slightly sad a slightly mocking voice
your friend will leave the path of the he has walked along your side for so long
I'm suffering of thirst and on this long path of a my thirst has remained as strong as ever
I always thirsted for knowledge I have always been full of questions
I have asked the year after year and I have asked the holy year after year and I have asked the devote year after year
it had been just as well had been just as smart and just as profitable if I had asked the hornbill-bird or the chimpanzee
it took me a long time and am not finished learning this yet
that there is nothing to be learned
is indeed no such thing so I believe as what we refer to as `learning'
is my friend just one knowledge this is everywhere this is this is within me and within you and within every creature
so I'm starting to believe that this knowledge has no worser enemy than the desire to know it than learning
at this stopped on the path rose his hands and spoke
if you only would not bother your friend with this kind of talk
you words stir up fear in my heart
just consider
what would become of the sanctity of prayer what of the venerability of the brahmans caste what of the holiness of the if it was as you say if there was no learning
what would then become of all of this what is holy what is precious what is venerable on earth
mumbled a verse to himself a verse from an
he who ponderingly of a purified spirit loses himself in the meditation of unexpressable by words is his blissfulness of his heart
remained silent
he thought about the words which had said to him and thought the words through to their end
he thought standing there with his head low what would remain of all that which seemed to us to be holy
remains
can stand the test
he shook his head
at one time when the two young men had lived among the for about three years and had shared their exercises some news a rumour a myth reached them after being retold many times
a man had appeared by name the exalted one the he had overcome the suffering of the world in himself and had halted the cycle of rebirths
he was said to wander through the land teaching surrounded by disciples without possession without home without a wife in the yellow cloak of an ascetic but with a cheerful brow a man of bliss and and princes would bow down before him and would become his students
myth this rumour this legend resounded its fragrants rose up here and there
in the towns the spoke of it and in the forest the
again and again the name of the reached the ears of the young men with good and with bad talk with praise and with defamation
it was as if the plague had broken out in a country and news had been spreading around that in one or another place there was a man a wise man a knowledgeable one whose word and breath was enough to heal everyone who had been infected with the pestilence and as such news would go through the land and everyone would talk about it many would believe many would doubt but many would get on their way as soon as possible to seek the wise man the helper just like this this myth ran through the land that fragrant myth of the the wise man of the family of
he possessed so the believers said the highest enlightenment he remembered his previous lives he had reached the nirvana and never returned into the cycle was never again submerged in the murky river of physical forms
wonderful and unbelievable things were reported of him he had performed miracles had overcome the devil had spoken to the gods
his enemies and disbelievers said this was a vain seducer he would spent his days in luxury scorned the offerings was without learning and knew neither exercises nor self-castigation
myth of sounded sweet
scent of magic flowed from these reports
all the world was sick life was hard to bear and behold here a source seemed to spring forth here a messenger seemed to call out comforting mild full of noble promises
where the rumour of was heard everywhere in the lands of the young men listened up felt a longing felt hope and among the brahmans sons of the towns and villages every pilgrim and stranger was welcome when he brought news of him the exalted one the
myth had also reached the in the forest and also and also slowly drop by drop every drop laden with hope every drop laden with doubt
rarely talked about it because the oldest one of the did not like this myth
he had heard that this alleged used to be an ascetic before and had lived in the forest but had then turned back to luxury and worldly pleasures and he had no high opinion of this
spoke one day to his friend
I was in the village and a invited me into his house and in his house there was the son of a from who has seen the with his own eyes and has heard him teach
this made my chest ache when I breathed and thought to myself
if only I would too if only we both would too and me live to see the hour when we will hear the teachings from the mouth of this perfected man
friend wouldn't we want to go there too and listen to the teachings from the mouth
I had thought would stay with the always I had believed his goal was to live to be sixty and seventy years of age and to keep on practising those feats and exercises which are becoming a
behold I had not known well enough I knew little of his heart
so now you my faithful friend want to take a new path and go there where the spreads his teachings
you're mocking me
me if you like
have you not also developed a desire an eagerness to hear these teachings
have you not at one time said to me you would not walk the path of the for much longer
at this laughed in his very own manner in which his voice assumed a touch of sadness and a touch of mockery and said
you've spoken well you've remembered correctly
if you only remembered the other thing as well you've heard from me which is that I have grown distrustful and tired against teachings and learning and that my faith in words which are brought to us by teachers is small
let's do it my dear I am willing to listen to these teachings though in my heart I believe that we've already tasted the best fruit of these teachings
willingness delights my heart
tell me how should this be possible
should the teachings even before we have heard them have already revealed their best fruit to us
us eat this fruit and wait for the rest
this fruit which we already now received thanks to the consisted in him calling us away from the
he has also other and better things to give us friend let us await with calm hearts
on this very same day informed the oldest one of the of his decision that he wanted to leave him
he informed the oldest one with all the courtesy and modesty becoming to a younger one and a student
the became angry because the two young men wanted to leave him and talked loudly and used crude swearwords
was startled and became embarrassed
put his mouth close to ear and whispered to him
I want to show the old man that I've learned something from him
himself closely in front of the with a concentrated soul he captured the old man's glance with his glances deprived him of his power made him mute took away his free will subdued him under his own will commanded him to do silently whatever he demanded him to do
old man became mute his eyes became motionless his will was paralysed his arms were hanging down
without power he had fallen victim to spell
thoughts brought the under their control he had to carry out what they commanded
thus the old man made several bows performed gestures of blessing spoke stammeringly a godly wish for a good journey
the young men returned the bows with thanks returned the wish went on their way with salutations
on the way said
you have learned more from the than I knew
it is hard it is very hard to cast a spell on an old
if you had stayed there you would soon have learned to walk on water
I do not seek to walk on water said
old be content with such feats
in the town of every child knew the name of the exalted and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of disciples the silently begging ones
the town was favourite place to stay the grove of which the rich merchant an obedient worshipper of the exalted one had given him and his people for a gift
tales and answers which the two young ascetics had received in their search for abode had pointed them towards this area
arriving at in the very first house before the door of which they stopped to beg food has been offered to them and they accepted the food and asked the woman who handed them the food
we would like to know charitable one where the dwells the most venerable one for we are two from the forest and have come to see him the perfected one and to hear the teachings from his mouth
the woman
you have truly come to the right place you from the forest
should know in in the garden of is where the exalted one dwells
you pilgrims shall spent the night for there is enough space for the innumerable who flock here to hear the teachings from his mouth
made happy and full of joy he exclaimed
so thus we have reached our destination and our path has come to an end
tell us mother of the pilgrims do you know him the have you seen him with your own eyes
the woman
times I have seen him the exalted one
on many days I have seen him walking through the alleys in silence wearing his yellow cloak presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors of the houses leaving with a filled dish
listened and wanted to ask and hear much more
urged him to walk on
thanked and left and hardly had to ask for directions for rather many pilgrims and monks as well from community were on their way to the
since they reached it at night there were constant arrivals shouts and talk of those who sought shelter and got it
two accustomed to life in the forest found quickly and without making any noise a place to stay and rested there until the morning
at sunrise they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believers and curious people had spent the night here
on all paths of the marvellous grove monks walked in yellow robes under the trees they sat here and there in deep contemplation or in a conversation about spiritual matters the shady gardens looked like a city full of people bustling like bees
majority of the monks went out with their alms-dish to collect food in town for their lunch the only meal of the day
himself the enlightened one was also in the habit of taking this walk to beg in the morning
saw him and he instantly recognised him as if a god had pointed him out to him
he saw him a simple man in a yellow robe bearing the alms-dish in his hand walking silently
here
said quietly to
one is the
looked at the monk in the yellow robe who seemed to be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks
soon also realized
is the one
they followed him and observed him
went on his way modestly and deep in his thoughts his calm face was neither happy nor sad it seemed to smile quietly and inwardly
a hidden smile quiet calm somewhat resembling a healthy child the walked wore the robe and placed his feet just as all of his monks did according to a precise rule
his face and his walk his quietly lowered glance his quietly dangling hand and even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace expressed perfection did not search did not imitate breathed softly in an unwhithering calm in an unwhithering light an untouchable peace
walked towards the town to collect alms and the two recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm by the quietness of his appearance in which there was no searching no desire no imitation no effort to be seen only light and peace
we'll hear the teachings from his mouth
said
did not answer
he felt little curiosity for the teachings he did not believe that they would teach him anything new but he had just as had heard the contents of this teachings again and again though these reports only represented second- or third-hand information
attentively he looked at head his shoulders his feet his quietly dangling hand and it seemed to him as if every joint of every finger of this hand was of these teachings spoke of breathed of exhaled the fragrant of glistened of truth
man this was truthful down to the gesture of his last finger
man was holy
before had venerated a person so much never before he had loved a person as much as this one
both followed the until they reached the town and then returned in silence for they themselves intended to abstain from on this day
saw returning what he ate could not even have satisfied a bird's appetite and they saw him retiring into the shade of the mango-trees
in the evening when the heat cooled down and everyone in the camp started to bustle about and gathered around they heard the teaching
heard his voice and it was also perfected was of perfect calmness was full of peace
taught the teachings of suffering of the origin of suffering of the way to relieve suffering
and clearly his quiet speech flowed on
was life full of suffering was the world but salvation from suffering had been found
salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of the
a soft yet firm voice the exalted one spoke taught the four main doctrines taught the eightfold path patiently he went the usual path of the teachings of the examples of the repetitions brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners like a light like a starry sky
the buddha night had already fallen ended his speech many a pilgrim stepped forward and asked to accepted into the community sought refuge in the teachings
accepted them by speaking
have heard the teachings well it has come to you well
join us and walk in holiness to put an end to all suffering
then the shy one also stepped forward and spoke
I also take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings and he asked to accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted
afterwards when the had retired for the night turned to and spoke eagerly
it is not my place to scold you
we have both heard the exalted one we have both perceived the teachings
has heard the teachings he has taken refuge in it
you my honoured friend don't you also want to walk the path of salvation
you want to hesitate do you want to wait any longer
awakened as if he had been asleep when he heard words
a long time he looked into face
he spoke quietly in a voice without mockery
my friend now you have taken this step now you have chosen this path
you've been my friend you've always walked one step behind me
I have thought
won't for once also take a step by himself without me out of his own soul
now you've turned into a man and are choosing your path for yourself
I wish that you would go it up to its end my friend that you shall find salvation
not completely understanding it yet repeated his question in an impatient tone
up I beg you my dear
me since it could not be any other way that you also my learned friend will take your refuge with the exalted
placed his hand on shoulder
failed to hear my good wish for you
I'm repeating it
I wish that you would go this path up to its end that you shall find salvation
in this moment realized that his friend had left him and he started to weep
he exclaimed lamentingly
kindly spoke to him
don't forget that you are now one of the of the
have renounced your home and your parents renounced your birth and possessions renounced your free will renounced all friendship
is what the teachings require this is what the exalted one wants
is what you wanted for yourself
I'll leave you
a long time the friends continued walking in the grove
for a long time they lay there and found no sleep
over and over again urged his friend he should tell him why he would not want to seek refuge in teachings what fault he would find in these teachings
turned him away every time and said
be content
good are the teachings of the exalted one how could I find a fault in them
early in the morning a follower of one of his oldest monks went through the garden and called all those to him who had as novices taken their refuge in the teachings to dress them up in the yellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties of their position
broke loose embraced once again his childhood friend and left with the novices
walked through the grove lost in thought
he happened to meet the exalted one and when he greeted him with respect and the glance was so full of kindness and calm the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one for the permission to talk to him
the exalted one nodded his approval
exalted one I had been privileged to hear your wondrous teachings
with my friend I had come from afar to hear your teachings
now my friend is going to stay with your people he has taken his refuge with you
I will again start on my pilgrimage
as you please the venerable one spoke politely
bold is my speech continued but I do not want to leave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts
it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment longer
the nodded his approval
thing most venerable one I have admired in your teachings most of all
in your teachings is perfectly clear is proven
you are presenting the world as a perfect chain a chain which is never and nowhere broken an eternal chain the links of which are causes and effects
before this has been seen so clearly
never before this has been presented so irrefutably
truly the heart of every has to beat stronger with love once he has seen the world through your teachings perfectly connected without gaps clear as a crystal not depending on chance not depending on gods
it may be good or bad whether living according to it would be suffering or joy I do not wish to discuss possibly this is not essential but the uniformity of the world that everything which happens is connected that the great and the small things are all encompassed by the same forces of time by the same law of causes of coming into being and of dying this is what shines brightly out of your exalted teachings perfected one
according to your very own teachings this unity and necessary sequence of all things is nevertheless broken in one place through a small gap this world of unity is invaded by something alien something new something which had not been there before and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be proven
these are your teachings of overcoming the world of salvation
with this small gap with this small breach the entire eternal and uniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void
forgive me for expressing this objection
had listened to him unmoved
he spoke the perfected one with his kind with his polite and clear voice
you've heard the teachings son of a and good for you that you've thought about it thus deeply
you've found a gap in it an error
should think about this further
be warned seeker of knowledge of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words
is nothing to opinions they may be beautiful or ugly smart or foolish everyone can support them or discard them
the teachings you've heard from me are no opinion and their goal is not to explain the world to those who seek knowledge
have a different goal
their goal is salvation from suffering
is what teaches nothing else
I wish that you exalted one would not be angry with me said the young man
I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you to argue about words
are truly right there is little to opinions
let me say this one more thing
I have not doubted in you for a single moment
I have not doubted for a single moment that you are that you have reached the goal the highest goal towards which so many thousands of and sons of are on their way
have found salvation from death
it has come to you in the course of your own search on your own path through thoughts through meditation through realizations through enlightenment
it has not come to you by means of teachings
and thus is my thought exalted one nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings
will not be able to convey and say to anybody venerable one in words and through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of enlightenment
teachings of the enlightened contain much it teaches many to live righteously to avoid evil
there is one thing which these so clear these so venerable teachings do not contain
they do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for himself he alone among hundreds of thousands
is what I have thought and realized when I have heard the teachings
is why I am continuing my travels not to seek other better teachings for I know there are none but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and to reach my goal by myself or to die
often I'll think of this day exalted one and of this hour when my eyes beheld a holy man
eyes quietly looked to the ground
quietly in perfect equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling
I wish the venerable one spoke slowly that your thoughts shall not be in error that you shall reach the goal
tell me
you seen the multitude of my my many brothers who have taken refuge in the teachings
do you believe stranger do you believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachings and to return into the life the world and of desires
is such a thought from my mind exclaimed
I wish that they shall all stay with the teachings that they shall reach their goal
it is not my place to judge another person's life
for myself for myself alone I must decide I must chose I must refuse
from the self is what we search for exalted one
if I merely were one of your disciples venerable one I'd fear that it might happen to me that only seemingly only deceptively my self would be calm and be redeemed but that in truth it would live on and grow for then I had replaced my self with the teachings my duty to follow you my love for you and the community of the monks
half of a smile with an unwavering openness and kindness looked into the stranger's eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly noticeable gesture
are wise
the venerable one spoke
know how to talk wisely my friend
be aware of too much wisdom
turned away and his glance and half of a smile remained forever etched in memory
I have never before seen a person glance and smile sit and walk this way he thought
truly I wish to be able to glance and smile sit and walk this way too thus free thus venerable thus concealed thus open thus child-like and mysterious
only a person who has succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and walk this way
so I also will seek to reach the innermost part of my self
I saw a man thought a single man before whom I would have to lower my glance
I do not want to lower my glance before any other not before any other
no teachings will entice me any more since this man's teachings have not enticed me
I am deprived by the thought I am deprived and even more he has given to me
he has deprived me of my friend the one who had believed in me and now believes in him who had been my shadow and is now shadow
he has given me myself
left the grove where the the perfected one stayed behind where stayed behind then he felt that in this grove his past life also stayed behind and parted from him
he pondered about this sensation which filled him completely as he was slowly walking along
he pondered deeply like diving into a deep water he let himself sink down to the ground of the sensation down to the place where the causes lie because to identify the causes so it seemed to him is the very essence of thinking and by this alone sensations turn into realizations and are not lost but become entities and start to emit like rays of light what is inside of them
walking along pondered
he realized that he was no youth any more but had turned into a man
he realized that one thing had left him as a snake is left by its old skin that one thing no longer existed in him which had accompanied him throughout his youth and used to be a part of him
the wish to have teachers and to listen to teachings
he had also left the last teacher who had appeared on his path even him the highest and wisest teacher the most holy one he had left him had to part with him was not able to accept his teachings
he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself
what is this what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers and what they who have taught you much were still unable to teach you
he found
it was the self the purpose and essence of which I sought to learn
it was the self I wanted to free myself from which I sought to overcome
I was not able to overcome it could only deceive it could only flee from it only hide from it
no thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy as this my very own self this mystery of me being alive of me being one and being separated and isolated from all others of me being
there is no thing in this world I know less about than about me about
been pondering while slowly walking along he now stopped as these thoughts caught hold of him and right away another thought sprang forth from these a new thought which was
I know nothing about myself that has remained thus alien and unknown to me stems from one cause a single cause
I was afraid of myself I was fleeing from myself
I searched I searched I was willing to dissect my self and peel off all of its layers to find the core of all peels in its unknown interior the life the divine part the ultimate part
I have lost myself in the process
opened his eyes and looked around a smile filled his face and a feeling of awakening from long dreams flowed through him from his head down to his toes
it was not long before he walked again walked quickly like a man who knows what he has got to do
he thought taking a deep breath now I would not let escape from me again
no longer I want to begin my thoughts and my life with and with the suffering of the world
I do not want to kill and dissect myself any longer to find a secret behind the ruins
yoga-veda shall teach me any more nor atharva-veda nor the ascetics nor any kind of teachings
I want to learn from myself want to be my student want to get to know myself the secret of
he looked around as if he was seeing the world for the first time
was the world colourful was the world strange and mysterious was the world
was blue here was yellow here was green the sky and the river flowed the forest and the mountains were rigid all of it was beautiful all of it was mysterious and magical and in its midst was he the awakening one on the path to himself
of this all this yellow and blue river and forest entered for the first time through the eyes was no longer a spell of was no longer the veil of was no longer a pointless and coincidental diversity of mere appearances despicable to the deeply thinking who scorns diversity who seeks unity
was blue river was river and if also in the blue and the river in the singular and divine lived hidden so it was still that very divinity's way and purpose to be here yellow here blue there sky there forest and here
purpose and the essential properties were not somewhere behind the things they were in them in everything
deaf and stupid have I been
he thought walking swiftly along
someone reads a text wants to discover its meaning he will not scorn the symbols and letters and call them deceptions coincidence and worthless hull but he will read them he will study and love them letter by letter
I who wanted to read the book of the world and the book of my own being I have for the sake of a meaning I had anticipated before I read scorned the symbols and letters I called the visible world a deception called my eyes and my tongue coincidental and worthless forms without substance
no this is over I have awakened I have indeed awakened and have not been born before this very day
in thinking these thoughts stopped once again suddenly as if there was a snake lying in front of him on the path
suddenly he had also become aware of this
he who was indeed like someone who had just woken up or like a new-born baby he had to start his life anew and start again at the very beginning
he had left in this very morning from the grove the grove of that exalted one already awakening already on the path towards himself he had every intention regarded as natural and took for granted that he after years as an ascetic would return to his home and his father
now only in this moment when he stopped as if a snake was lying on his path he also awoke to this realization
I am no longer the one I was I am no ascetic any more I am not a priest any more I am no any more
should I do at home and at my father's place
offerings
meditation
all this is over all of this is no longer alongside my path
remained standing there and for the time of one moment and breath his heart felt cold he felt a cold in his chest as a small animal a bird or a rabbit would when seeing how alone he was
many years he had been without home and had felt nothing
he felt it
even in the deepest meditation he had been his father's son had been a of a high caste a cleric
he was nothing but the awoken one nothing else was left
he inhaled and for a moment he felt cold and shivered
was thus alone as he was
was no nobleman who did not belong to the noblemen no worker that did not belong to the workers and found refuge with them shared their life spoke their language
no who would not be regarded as and lived with them no ascetic who would not find his refuge in the caste of the and even the most forlorn hermit in the forest was not just one and alone he was also surrounded by a place he belonged to he also belonged to a caste in which he was at home
had become a monk and a thousand monks were his brothers wore the same robe as he believed in his faith spoke his language
he where did he belong to
whom would he share his life
language would he speak
of this moment when the world melted away all around him when he stood alone like a star in the sky out of this moment of a cold and despair emerged more a self than before more firmly concentrated
he felt
had been the last tremor of the awakening the last struggle of this birth
it was not long until he walked again in long strides started to proceed swiftly and impatiently heading no longer for home no longer to his father no longer back
to my cousin in
learned something new on every step of his path for the world was transformed and his heart was enchanted
he saw the sun rising over the mountains with their forests and setting over the distant beach with its palm-trees
at night he saw the stars in the sky in their fixed positions and the crescent of the moon floating like a boat in the blue
he saw trees stars animals clouds rainbows rocks herbs flowers stream and river the glistening dew in the bushes in the morning distant high mountains which were blue and pale birds sang and bees wind silverishly blew through the rice-field
of this a thousand-fold and colourful had always been there always the sun and the moon had shone always rivers had roared and bees had buzzed but in former times all of this had been nothing more to than a fleeting deceptive veil before his eyes looked upon in distrust destined to be penetrated and destroyed by thought since it was not the essential existence since this essence lay beyond on the other side of the visible
now his liberated eyes stayed on this side he saw and became aware of the visible sought to be at home in this world did not search for the true essence did not aim at a world beyond
was this world looking at it thus without searching thus simply thus childlike
were the moon and the stars beautiful was the stream and the banks the forest and the rocks the goat and the gold-beetle the flower and the butterfly
and lovely it was thus to walk through the world thus childlike thus awoken thus open to what is near thus without distrust
the sun burnt the head differently the shade of the forest cooled him down differently the stream and the cistern the pumpkin and the banana tasted
were the days short the nights every hour sped swiftly away like a sail on the sea and under the sail was a ship full of treasures full of joy
saw a group of apes moving through the high canopy of the forest high in the branches and heard their savage greedy song
saw a male sheep following a female one and mating with her
in a lake of reeds he saw the pike hungrily hunting for its dinner
propelling themselves away from it in fear wiggling and sparkling the young fish jumped in droves out of the water
the scent of strength and passion came forcefully out of the hasty eddies of the water which the pike stirred up impetuously hunting
of this had always existed and he had not seen it
he had not been with it
he was with it he was part of it
and shadow ran through his eyes stars and moon ran through his heart
on the way also remembered everything he had experienced in the the teaching he had heard there the divine the farewell from the conversation with the exalted one
he remembered his own words he had spoken to the exalted one every word and with astonishment he became aware of the fact that there he had said things which he had not really known yet at this time
he had said to
his the treasure and secret was not the teachings but the unexpressable and not teachable which he had experienced in the hour of his enlightenment it was nothing but this very thing which he had now gone to experience what he now began to experience
he had to experience his self
it is true that he had already known for a long time that his self was in its essence bearing the same eternal characteristics as
never he had really found this self because he had wanted to capture it in the net of thought
the body definitely not being the self and not the spectacle of the senses so it also was not the thought not the rational mind not the learned wisdom not the learned ability to draw conclusions and to develop previous thoughts in to new ones
no this world of thought was also still on this side and nothing could be achieved by killing the random self of the senses if the random self of thoughts and learned knowledge was fattened on the other hand
the thoughts as well as the senses were pretty things the ultimate meaning was hidden behind both of them both had to be listened to both had to be played with both neither had to be scorned nor overestimated from both the secret voices of the innermost truth had to be attentively perceived
he wanted to strive for nothing except for what the voice commanded him to strive for dwell on nothing except where the voice would advise him to do so
had at that time in the hour of all hours sat down under the bo-tree where the enlightenment hit him
he had heard a voice a voice in his own heart which had commanded him to seek rest under this tree and he had neither preferred self-castigation offerings ablutions nor prayer neither food nor drink neither sleep nor dream he had obeyed the voice
to obey like this not to an external command only to the voice to be ready like this this was good this was necessary nothing else was necessary
in the night when he slept in the straw hut of a ferryman by the river had a dream
was standing in front of him dressed in the yellow robe of an ascetic
was how looked like sadly he asked
have you forsaken me
at this he embraced wrapped his arms around him and as he was pulling him close to his chest and kissed him it was not any more but a woman and a full breast popped out of the woman's dress at which lay and drank sweetly and strongly tasted the milk from this breast
it tasted of woman and man of sun and forest of animal and flower of every fruit of every joyful desire
it intoxicated him and rendered him unconscious
when woke up the pale river shimmered through the door of the hut and in the forest a dark call of an owl resounded deeply and pleasantly
the day began asked his host the ferryman to get him across the river
ferryman got him across the river on his bamboo-raft the wide water shimmered reddishly in the light of the morning
is a beautiful river he said to his companion
said the ferryman a very beautiful river I love it more than anything
I have listened to it often I have looked into its eyes and always I have learned from it
can be learned from a river
I thank you my benefactor spoke disembarking on the other side of the river
I have no gift I could give you for your hospitality my dear and also no payment for your work
I am a man without a home a son of a and a
I did see it spoke the ferryman and I haven't expected any payment from you and no gift which would be the custom for guests to bear
will give me the gift another time
do you think so
asked amusedly
too I have learned from the river
everything is coming back
too will come back
farewell
your friendship be my reward
me when you'll make offerings to the gods
they parted
was happy about the friendship and the kindness of the ferryman
he is like he thought with a smile all I meet on my path are like
are thankful though they are the ones who would have a right to receive thanks
are submissive all would like to be friends like to obey think little
children are all people
at about noon he came through a village
in front of the mud cottages children were rolling about in the street were playing with pumpkin-seeds and sea-shells screamed and wrestled but they all timidly fled from the unknown
in the end of the village the path led through a stream and by the side of the stream a young woman was kneeling and washing clothes
greeted her she lifted her head and looked up to him with a smile so that he saw the white in her eyes glistening
he called out a blessing to her as it is the custom among travellers and asked how far he still had to go to reach the large city
she got up and came to him beautifully her wet mouth was shimmering in her young face
exchanged humorous banter with him asked whether he had eaten already and whether it was true that the slept alone in the forest at night and were not allowed to have any women with them
talking she put her left foot on his right one and made a movement as a woman does who would want to initiate that kind of sexual pleasure with a man which the textbooks call climbing a tree
felt his blood heating up and since in this moment he had to think of his dream again he bend slightly down to the woman and kissed with his lips the brown nipple of her breast
up he saw her face smiling full of lust and her eyes with contracted pupils begging with desire
also felt desire and felt the source of his sexuality moving
but since he had never touched a woman before he hesitated for a moment while his hands were already prepared to reach out for her
in this moment he heard shuddering with awe the voice of his innermost self and this voice said no
all charms disappeared from the young woman's smiling face he no longer saw anything else but the damp glance of a female animal in heat
he petted her cheek turned away from her and disappeared away from the disappointed woman with light steps into the bamboo-wood
on this day he reached the large city before the evening and was happy for he felt the need to be among people
a long time he had lived in the forests and the straw hut of the ferryman in which he had slept that night had been the first roof for a long time he has had over his head
the city in a beautifully fenced grove the traveller came across a small group of servants both male and female carrying baskets
in their midst carried by four servants in an ornamental sedan-chair sat a woman the mistress on red pillows under a colourful canopy
stopped at the entrance to the pleasure-garden and watched the parade saw the servants the maids the baskets saw the sedan-chair and saw the lady in it
black hair which made to tower high on her head he saw a very fair very delicate very smart face a brightly red mouth like a freshly cracked fig eyebrows which were well tended and painted in a high arch smart and watchful dark eyes a clear tall neck rising from a green and golden garment resting fair hands long and thin with wide golden bracelets over the wrists
saw how beautiful she was and his heart rejoiced
he bowed deeply when the sedan-chair came closer and straightening up again he looked at the fair charming face read for a moment in the smart eyes with the high arcs above breathed in a slight fragrant he did not know
a smile the beautiful women nodded for a moment and disappeared into the grove and then the servant as well
I am entering this city thought with a charming omen
he instantly felt drawn into the grove but he thought about it and only now he became aware of how the servants and maids had looked at him at the entrance how despicable how distrustful how rejecting
I am still a he thought I am still an ascetic and beggar
I must not remain like this I will not be able to enter the grove like this
he laughed
next person who came along this path he asked about the grove and for the name of the woman and was told that this was the grove of the famous courtesan and that aside from the grove she owned a house in the city
he entered the city
he had a goal
his goal he allowed the city to suck him in drifted through the flow of the streets stood still on the squares rested on the stairs of stone by the river
the evening came he made friends with barber's assistant whom he had seen working in the shade of an arch in a building whom he found again praying in a temple of whom he told about stories of and the
the boats by the river he slept this night and early in the morning before the first customers came into his shop he had the barber's assistant shave his beard and cut his hair comb his hair and anoint it with fine oil
he went to take his bath in the river
late in the afternoon beautiful approached her grove in her sedan-chair was standing at the entrance made a bow and received the courtesan's greeting
that servant who walked at the very end of her train he motioned to him and asked him to inform his mistress that a young would wish to talk to her
a while the servant returned asked him who had been waiting to follow him conducted him who was following him without a word into a pavilion where was lying on a couch and left him alone with her
weren't you already standing out there yesterday greeting me
asked
it's true that I've already seen and greeted you yesterday
didn't you yesterday wear a beard and long hair and dust in your hair
have observed well you have seen everything
have seen the son of a who has left his home to become a and who has been a for three years
now I have left that path and came into this city and the first one I met even before I had entered the city was you
to say this I have come to you
are the first woman whom is not addressing with his eyes turned to the ground
again I want to turn my eyes to the ground when I'm coming across a beautiful woman
smiled and played with her fan of peacocks feathers
asked
only to tell me this has come to me
to tell you this and to thank you for being so beautiful
if it doesn't displease you I would like to ask you to be my friend and teacher for I know nothing yet of that art which you have mastered in the highest degree
at this laughed aloud
before this has happened to me my friend that a from the forest came to me and wanted to learn from me
before this has happened to me that a came to me with long hair and an old torn loin-cloth
young men come to me and there are also sons of among them but they come in beautiful clothes they come in fine shoes they have perfume in their hair and money in their pouches
is how the young men are like who come to me
I am starting to learn from you
yesterday I was already learning
I have already taken off my beard have combed the hair have oil in my hair
is little which is still missing in me excellent one
fine clothes fine shoes money in my pouch
shall know has set harder goals for himself than such trifles and he has reached them
shouldn't I reach that goal which I have set for myself yesterday
to be your friend and to learn the joys of love from you
you'll see that I'll learn quickly I have already learned harder things than what you're supposed to teach me
now let's get to it
aren't satisfied with as he is with oil in his hair but without clothes without shoes without money
exclaimed
no my dear he doesn't satisfy me yet
are what he must have pretty clothes and shoes pretty shoes and lots of money in his pouch and gifts for
do you know it now from the forest
you mark my words
I have marked your words exclaimed
should I not mark words which are coming from such a mouth
mouth is like a freshly cracked fig
my mouth is red and fresh as well it will be a suitable match for yours you'll see
but tell me beautiful aren't you at all afraid of the from the forest who has come to learn how to make love
for should I be afraid of a a stupid from the forest who is coming from the jackals and doesn't even know yet what women are
he's strong the and he isn't afraid of anything
he could force you beautiful girl
he could kidnap you
he could hurt you
no I am not afraid of this
any or ever fear someone might come and grab him and steal his learning and his religious devotion and his depth of thought
no for they are his very own and he would only give away from those whatever he is willing to give and to whomever he is willing to give
this it is precisely like this it is also with and with the pleasures of love
and red is mouth but just try to kiss it against will and you will not obtain a single drop of sweetness from it which knows how to give so many sweet things
are learning easily thus you should also learn this
love can be obtained by begging buying receiving it as a gift finding it in the street but it cannot be stolen
in this you have come up with the wrong path
no it would be a pity if a pretty young man like you would want to tackle it in such a wrong manner
bowed with a smile
it would be a pity you are so right
it would be such a great pity
no I shall not lose a single drop of sweetness from your mouth nor you from mine
so it is settled
will return once he'll have what he still lacks
clothes shoes money
speak lovely couldn't you still give me one small advice
an advice
not
wouldn't like to give an advice to a poor ignorant who is coming from the jackals of the forest
thus advise me where I should go to that I'll find these three things most quickly
many would like to know this
must do what you've learned and ask for money clothes and shoes in return
is no other way for a poor man to obtain money
might you be able to do
I can think
I can wait
I can fast
else
yes I can also write poetry
you like to give me a kiss for a poem
I would like to if I'll like your poem
would be its title
spoke after he had thought about it for a moment these verses
her shady grove stepped the pretty at the grove's entrance stood the brown
seeing the lotus's blossom that man and smiling thanked
lovely thought the young man than offerings for gods lovely is offering to pretty
loudly clapped her hands so that the golden bracelets clanged
are your verses brown and truly I'm losing nothing when I'm giving you a kiss for them
beckoned him with her eyes he tilted his head so that his face touched hers and placed his mouth on that mouth which was like a freshly cracked fig
a long time kissed him and with a deep astonishment felt how she taught him how wise she was how she controlled him rejected him lured him and how after this first one there was to be a long a well ordered well tested sequence of kisses everyone different from the others he was still to receive
deeply he remained standing where he was and was in this moment astonished like a child about the cornucopia of knowledge and things worth learning which revealed itself before his eyes
beautiful are your verses exclaimed if I was rich I would give you pieces of gold for them
it will be difficult for you to earn thus much money with verses as you need
you need a lot of money if you want to be friend
way you're able to kiss
stammered
this I am able to do therefore I do not lack clothes shoes bracelets and all beautiful things
what will become of you
aren't you able to do anything else but thinking fasting making poetry
I also know the sacrificial songs said but I do not want to sing them any more
I also know magic spells but I do not want to speak them any more
I have read the scriptures
interrupted him
you're able to read
write
I can do this
people can do this
people can't
I also can't do it
it is very good that you're able to read and write very good
will also still find use for the magic spells
in this moment a maid came running in and whispered a message into her mistress's ear
a visitor for me exclaimed
and get yourself away nobody may see you in here remember this
I'll see you again
to the maid she gave the order to give the pious white upper garments
fully understanding what was happening to him found himself being dragged away by the maid brought into a garden-house avoiding the direct path being given upper garments as a gift led into the bushes and urgently admonished to get himself out of the grove as soon as possible without being seen
he did as he had been told
accustomed to the forest he managed to get out of the grove and over the hedge without making a sound
he returned to the city carrying the rolled up garments under his arm
at the inn where travellers stay he positioned himself by the door without words he asked for food without a word he accepted a piece of rice-cake
as soon as tomorrow he thought I will ask no one for food any more
pride flared up in him
he was no any more it was no longer becoming to him to beg
he gave the rice-cake to a dog and remained without food
is the life which people lead in this world here thought
it presents no difficulties
was difficult toilsome and ultimately hopeless when I was still a
everything is easy easy like that lessons in kissing which is giving me
I need clothes and money nothing else
this a small near goals they won't make a person lose any sleep
he had already discovered house in the city long before there he turned up the following day
are working out well she called out to him
are expecting you at he is the richest merchant of the city
if he'll like you he'll accept you into his service
be smart brown
I had others tell him about you
be polite towards him he is very powerful
don't be too modest
I do not want you to become his servant you shall become his equal or else I won't be satisfied with you
is starting to get old and lazy
if he'll like you he'll entrust you with a lot
thanked her and laughed and when she found out that he had not eaten anything yesterday and today she sent for bread and fruits and treated him to it
you've been lucky she said when they parted I'm opening one door after another for you
come
do you have a spell
said
I told you I knew how to think to wait and to fast but you thought this was of no use
it is useful for many things you'll see
you'll see that the stupid are learning and able to do many pretty things in the forest which the likes of you aren't capable of
day before yesterday I was still a shaggy beggar as soon as yesterday I have kissed and soon I'll be a merchant and have money and all those things you insist upon
yes she admitted
where would you be without me
would you be if wasn't helping you
said and straightened up to his full height when I came to you into your grove I did the first step
it was my resolution to learn love from this most beautiful woman
that moment on when I had made this resolution I also knew that I would carry it out
I knew that you would help me at your first glance at the entrance of the grove I already knew it
what if I hadn't been willing
were willing
you throw a rock into the water it will speed on the fastest course to the bottom of the water
is how it is when has a goal a resolution
does nothing he waits he thinks he fasts but he passes through the things of the world like a rock through water without doing anything without stirring
he is drawn he lets himself fall
goal attracts him because he doesn't let anything enter his soul which might oppose the goal
is what has learned among the
is what fools call magic and of which they think it would be effected by means of the daemons
is effected by daemons there are no daemons
can perform magic everyone can reach his goals if he is able to think if he is able to wait if he is able to fast
listened to him
loved his voice she loved the look from his eyes
it is so she said quietly as you say friend
perhaps it is also like this
that is a handsome man that his glance pleases the women that therefore good fortune is coming towards him
one kiss bid his farewell
I wish that it should be this way my teacher
that my glance shall please you that always good fortune shall come to me out of your direction
went to the merchant he was directed into a rich house servants led him between precious carpets into a chamber where he awaited the master of the house
entered a swiftly smoothly moving man with very gray hair with very intelligent cautious eyes with a greedy mouth
the host and the guest greeted one another
I have been told the merchant began that you were a a learned man but that you seek to be in the service of a merchant
you have become destitute so that you seek to serve
no said I have not become destitute and have never been destitute
should know that I'm coming from the with whom I have lived for a long time
if you're coming from the how could you be anything but destitute
aren't the entirely without possessions
I am without possessions said if this is what you mean
I am without possessions
I am so voluntarily and therefore I am not destitute
what are you planning to live of being without possessions
I haven't thought of this yet sir
more than three years I have been without possessions and have never thought about of what I should live
so you've lived of the possessions of others
this is how it is
all a merchant also lives of what other people own
said
he wouldn't take anything from another person for nothing
he would give his merchandise in return
so it seems to be indeed
takes everyone gives such is life
if you don't mind me asking
being without possessions what would you like to give
gives what he has
warrior gives strength the merchant gives merchandise the teacher teachings the farmer rice the fisher fish
indeed
what is it now what you've got to give
is it that you've learned what you're able to do
I can think
I can wait
I can fast
everything
I believe that's everything
what's the use of that
example the fasting what is it good for
it is very good sir
a person has nothing to eat fasting is the smartest thing he could do
for example hadn't learned to fast he would have to accept any kind of service before this day is up whether it may be with you or wherever because hunger would force him to do so
like this can wait calmly he knows no impatience he knows no emergency for a long time he can allow hunger to besiege him and can laugh about it
sir is what fasting is good for
you're right
for a moment
left the room and returned with a scroll which he handed to his guest while asking
you read this
looked at the scroll on which a sales-contract had been written down and began to read out its contents
said
would you write something for me on this piece of paper
he handed him a piece of paper and a pen and wrote and returned the paper
read
is good thinking is better
smart is good being patient is better
it is excellent how you're able to write the merchant praised him
a thing we will still have to discuss with one another
today I'm asking you to be my guest and to live in this house
thanked and accepted and lived in the dealers house from now on
were brought to him and shoes and every day a servant prepared a bath for him
a day a plentiful meal was served but only ate once a day and ate neither meat nor did he drink wine
told him about his trade showed him the merchandise and storage-rooms showed him calculations
got to know many new things he heard a lot and spoke little
thinking of words he was never subservient to the merchant forced him to treat him as an equal yes even more than an equal
conducted his business with care and often with passion but looked upon all of this as if it was a game the rules of which he tried hard to learn precisely but the contents of which did not touch his heart
he was not in house for long when he already took part in his landlords business
daily at the hour appointed by her he visited beautiful wearing pretty clothes fine shoes and soon he brought her gifts as well
he learned from her red smart mouth
he learned from her tender supple hand
who was regarding love still a boy and had a tendency to plunge blindly and insatiably into lust like into a bottomless pit him she taught thoroughly starting with the basics about that school of thought which teaches that pleasure cannot be taken without giving pleasure and that every gesture every caress every touch every look every spot of the body however small it was had its secret which would bring happiness to those who know about it and unleash it
taught him that lovers must not part from one another after celebrating love without one admiring the other without being just as defeated as they have been victorious so that with none of them should start feeling fed up or bored and get that evil feeling of having abused or having been abused
hours he spent with the beautiful and smart artist became her student her lover her friend
with was the worth and purpose of his present life nt with the business of
merchant passed to duties of writing important letters and contracts on to him and got into the habit of discussing all important affairs with him
he soon saw that knew little about rice and wool shipping and trade but that he acted in a fortunate manner and that surpassed him the merchant in calmness and equanimity and in the art of listening and deeply understanding previously unknown people
he said to a friend is no proper merchant and will never be one there is never any passion in his soul when he conducts our business
he has that mysterious quality of those people to whom success comes all by itself whether this may be a good star of his birth magic or something he has learned among
he always seems to be merely playing with out business-affairs they never fully become a part of him they never rule over him he is never afraid of failure he is never upset by a loss
friend advised the merchant
him from the business he conducts for you a third of the profits but let him also be liable for the same amount of the losses when there is a loss
he'll become more zealous
followed the advice
cared little about this
he made a profit he accepted it with equanimity
when he made losses he laughed and said
look at this so this one turned out badly
it seemed indeed as if he did not care about the business
at one time he travelled to a village to buy a large harvest of rice there
when he got there the rice had already been sold to another merchant
stayed for several days in that village treated the farmers for a drink gave copper-coins to their children joined in the celebration of a wedding and returned extremely satisfied from his trip
held against him that he had not turned back right away that he had wasted time and money
answered
scolding dear friend
was ever achieved by scolding
if a loss has occurred let me bear that loss
I am very satisfied with this trip
I have gotten to know many kinds of people a has become my friend children have sat on my knees farmers have shown me their fields nobody knew that I was a merchant
all very nice exclaimed indignantly but in fact you are a merchant after all one ought to think
or might you have only travelled for your amusement
laughed surely I have travelled for my amusement
what else
I have gotten to know people and places I have received kindness and trust I have found friendship
my dear if I had been I would have travelled back being annoyed and in a hurry as soon as I had seen that my purchase had been rendered impossible and time and money would indeed have been lost
like this I've had a few good days I've learned had joy I've neither harmed myself nor others by annoyance and hastiness
if I'll ever return there again perhaps to buy an upcoming harvest or for whatever purpose it might be friendly people will receive me in a friendly and happy manner and I will praise myself for not showing any hurry and displeasure at that time
so leave it as it is my friend and don't harm yourself by scolding
if the day will come when you will see
this is harming me then speak a word and will go on his own path
until then let's be satisfied with one another
were also the merchant's attempts to convince that he should eat his bread
ate his own bread or rather they both ate other people's bread all people's bread
never listened to worries and had many worries
there was a business-deal going on which was in danger of failing or whether a shipment of merchandise seemed to have been lost or a debtor seemed to be unable to pay could never convince his partner that it would be useful to utter a few words of worry or anger to have wrinkles on the forehead to sleep badly
one day held against him that he had learned everything he knew from him he replied
you please not kid me with such jokes
I've learned from you is how much a basket of fish costs and how much interests may be charged on loaned money
are your areas of expertise
I haven't learned to think from you my dear you ought to be the one seeking to learn from me
his soul was not with the trade
business was good enough to provide him with the money for and it earned him much more than he needed
from this interest and curiosity was only concerned with the people whose businesses crafts worries pleasures and acts of foolishness used to be as alien and distant to him as the moon
easily he succeeded in talking to all of them in living with all of them in learning from all of them he was still aware that there was something which separated him from them and this separating factor was him being a
he saw mankind going through life in a childlike or animallike manner which he loved and also despised at the same time
he saw them toiling saw them suffering and becoming gray for the sake of things which seemed to him to entirely unworthy of this price for money for little pleasures for being slightly honoured he saw them scolding and insulting each other he saw them complaining about pain at which a would only smile and suffering because of deprivations which a would not feel
he was open to everything these people brought his way
was the merchant who offered him linen for sale welcome was the debtor who sought another loan welcome was the beggar who told him for one hour the story of his poverty and who was not half as poor as any given
he did not treat the rich foreign merchant any different than the servant who shaved him and the street-vendor whom he let cheat him out of some small change when buying bananas
came to him to complain about his worries or to reproach him concerning his business he listened curiously and happily was puzzled by him tried to understand him consented that he was a little bit right only as much as he considered indispensable and turned away from him towards the next person who would ask for him
there were many who came to him many to do business with him many to cheat him many to draw some secret out of him many to appeal to his sympathy many to get his advice
he gave advice he pitied he made gifts he let them cheat him a bit and this entire game and the passion with which all people played this game occupied his thoughts just as much as the gods and used to occupy them
at times he felt deep in his chest a dying quiet voice which admonished him quietly lamented quietly
he hardly perceived it
then for an hour he became aware of the strange life he was leading of him doing lots of things which were only a game of though being happy and feeling joy at times real life still passing him by and not touching him
as a ball-player plays with his balls he played with his business-deals with the people around him watched them found amusement in them
with his heart with the source of his being he was not with them
source ran somewhere far away from him ran and ran invisibly had nothing to do with his life any more
at several times he suddenly became scared on account of such thoughts and wished that he would also be gifted with the ability to participate in all of this childlike-naive occupations of the daytime with passion and with his heart really to live really to act really to enjoy and to live instead of just standing by as a spectator
again and again he came back to beautiful learned the art of love practised the cult of lust in which more than in anything else giving and taking becomes one chatted with her learned from her gave her advice received advice
understood him better than used to understand him she was more similar to him
he said to her
are like me you are different from most people
are nothing else and inside of you there is a peace and refuge to which you can go at every hour of the day and be at home at yourself as I can also do
people have this and yet all could have it
all people are smart said
no said that's not the reason why
is just as smart as I and still has no refuge in himself
have it who are small children with respect to their mind
people are like a falling leaf which is blown and is turning around through the air and wavers and tumbles to the ground
others a few are like stars they go on a fixed course no wind reaches them in themselves they have their law and their course
all the learned men and of which I knew many there was one of this kind a perfected one I'll never be able to forget him
it is that the exalted one who is spreading that teachings
of followers are listening to his teachings every day follow his instructions every hour but they are all falling leaves not in themselves they have teachings and a law
looked at him with a smile
you're talking about him she said again you're having a thoughts
said nothing and they played the game of love one of the thirty or forty different games knew
body was flexible like that of a jaguar and like the bow of a hunter
he who had learned from her how to make love was knowledgeable of many forms of lust many secrets
a long time she played with enticed him rejected him forced him embraced him
enjoyed his masterful skills until he was defeated and rested exhausted by her side
courtesan bent over him took a long look at his face at his eyes which had grown tired
are the best lover she said thoughtfully I ever saw
you're stronger than others more supple more willing
you've learned my art well
at some time when I'll be older I'd want to bear your child
yet my dear you've remained a and yet you do not love me you love nobody
isn't it so
it might very well be so said tiredly
I am like you
also do not love how else could you practise love as a craft
people of our kind can't love
childlike people can
that's their secret
a long time had lived the life of the world and of lust though without being a part of it
senses which he had killed off in hot years as a had awoken again he had tasted riches had tasted lust had tasted power
nevertheless he had still remained in his heart for a long time a
being smart had realized this quite right
it was still the art of thinking of waiting of fasting which guided his life
still the people of the world the childlike people had remained alien to him as he was alien to them
passed by
surrounded by the good life hardly felt them fading away
he had become rich for quite a while he possessed a house of his own and his own servants and a garden before the city by the river
people liked him they came to him whenever they needed money or advice but there was nobody close to him except
high bright state of being awake which he had experienced that one time at the height of his youth in those days after sermon after the separation from that tense expectation that proud state of standing alone without teachings and without teachers that supple willingness to listen to the divine voice in his own heart had slowly become a memory had been fleeting
distant and quiet the holy source murmured which used to be near which used to murmur within himself
many things he had learned from the he had learned from he had learned from his father the had remained within him for a long time afterwards
moderate living joy of thinking hours of meditation secret knowledge of the self of his eternal entity which is neither body nor consciousness
a part of this he still had but one part after another had been submerged and had gathered dust
as a potter's wheel once it has been set in motion will keep on turning for a long time and only slowly lose its vigour and come to a stop thus soul had kept on turning the wheel of asceticism the wheel of thinking the wheel of differentiation for a long time still turning but it turned slowly and hesitantly and was close to coming to a standstill
like humidity entering the dying stem of a tree filling it slowly and making it rot the world and sloth had entered soul slowly it filled his soul made it heavy made it tired put it to sleep
on the other hand his senses had become alive there was much they had learned much they had experienced
had learned to trade to use his power over people to enjoy himself with a woman he had learned to wear beautiful clothes to give orders to servants to bathe in perfumed waters
he had learned to eat tenderly and carefully prepared food even fish even meat and poultry spices and sweets and to drink wine which causes sloth and forgetfulness
he had learned to play with dice and on a chess-board to watch dancing girls to have himself carried about in a sedan-chair to sleep on a soft bed
still he had felt different from and superior to the others
always he had watched them with some mockery some mocking disdain with the same disdain which a constantly feels for the people of the world
was ailing when he was annoyed when he felt insulted when he was vexed by his worries as a merchant had always watched it with mockery
slowly and imperceptibly as the harvest seasons and rainy seasons passed by his mockery had become more tired his superiority had become more quiet
slowly among his growing riches had assumed something of the childlike people's ways for himself something of their childlikeness and of their fearfulness
yet he envied them envied them just the more the more similar he became to them
he envied them for the one thing that was missing from him and that they had the importance they were able to attach to their lives the amount of passion in their joys and fears the fearful but sweet happiness of being constantly in love
people were all of the time in love with themselves with women with their children with honours or money with plans or hopes
he did not learn this from them this out of all things this joy of a child and this foolishness of a child
he learned from them out of all things the unpleasant ones which he himself despised
it happened more and more often that in the morning after having had company the night before he stayed in bed for a long time felt unable to think and tired
it happened that he became angry and impatient when bored him with his worries
it happened that he laughed just too loud when he lost a game of dice
face was still smarter and more spiritual than others but it rarely laughed and assumed one after another those features which are so often found in the faces of rich people those features of discontent of sickliness of ill-humour of sloth of a lack of love
the disease of the soul which rich people have grabbed hold of him
a veil like a thin mist tiredness came over slowly getting a bit denser every day a bit murkier every month a bit heavier every year
as a new dress becomes old in time loses its beautiful colour in time gets stains gets wrinkles gets worn off at the seams and starts to show threadbare spots here and there thus new life which he had started after his separation from had grown old lost colour and splendour as the years passed by was gathering wrinkles and stains and hidden at bottom already showing its ugliness here and there disappointment and disgust were waiting
did not notice it
he only noticed that this bright and reliable voice inside of him which had awoken in him at that time and had ever guided him in his best times had become silent
he had been captured by the world by lust covetousness sloth and finally also by that vice which he had used to despise and mock the most as the most foolish one of all vices
greed
possessions and riches also had finally captured him
they were no longer a game and trifles to him had become a shackle and a burden
in a strange and devious way had gotten into this final and most base of all dependencies by means of the game of dice
it was since that time when he had stopped being a in his heart that began to play the game for money and precious things which he at other times only joined with a smile and casually as a custom of the childlike people with an increasing rage and passion
he was a feared gambler few dared to take him on so high and audacious were his stakes
he played the game due to a pain of his heart losing and wasting his wretched money in the game brought him an angry joy in no other way he could demonstrate his disdain for wealth the merchants'
false god more clearly and more mockingly
he gambled with high stakes and mercilessly hating himself mocking himself won thousands threw away thousands lost money lost jewelry lost a house in the country won again lost again
fear that terrible and petrifying fear which he felt while he was rolling the dice while he was worried about losing high stakes that fear he loved and sought to always renew it always increase it always get it to a slightly higher level for in this feeling alone he still felt something like happiness something like an intoxication something like an elevated form of life in the midst of his saturated lukewarm dull life
after each big loss his mind was set on new riches pursued the trade more zealously forced his debtors more strictly to pay because he wanted to continue gambling he wanted to continue squandering continue demonstrating his disdain of wealth
lost his calmness when losses occurred lost his patience when he was not payed on time lost his kindness towards beggars lost his disposition for giving away and loaning money to those who petitioned him
he who gambled away tens of thousands at one roll of the dice and laughed at it became more strict and more petty in his business occasionally dreaming at night about money
whenever he woke up from this ugly spell whenever he found his face in the mirror at the bedroom's wall to have aged and become more ugly whenever embarrassment and disgust came over him he continued fleeing fleeing into a new game fleeing into a numbing of his mind brought on by sex by wine and from there he fled back into the urge to pile up and obtain possessions
in this pointless cycle he ran growing tired growing old growing ill
the time came when a dream warned him
he had spent the hours of the evening with in her beautiful pleasure-garden
had been sitting under the trees talking and had said thoughtful words words behind which a sadness and tiredness lay hidden
had asked him to tell her about and could not hear enough of him how clear his eyes how still and beautiful his mouth how kind his smile how peaceful his walk had been
a long time he had to tell her about the exalted and had sighed and had said
day perhaps soon I'll also follow that
I'll give him my pleasure-garden for a gift and take my refuge in his teachings
after this she had aroused him and had tied him to her in the act of making love with painful fervour biting and in tears as if once more she wanted to squeeze the last sweet drop out of this vain fleeting pleasure
before it had become so strangely clear to how closely lust was akin to death
he had lain by her side and face had been close to him and under her eyes and next to the corners of her mouth he had as clearly as never before read a fearful inscription an inscription of small lines of slight grooves an inscription reminiscent of autumn and old age just as himself who was only in his forties had already noticed here and there gray hairs among his black ones
was written on beautiful face tiredness from walking a long path which has no happy destination tiredness and the beginning of withering and concealed still unsaid perhaps not even conscious anxiety
fear of old age fear of the autumn fear of having to die
a sigh he had bid his farewell to her the soul full of reluctance and full of concealed anxiety
had spent the night in his house with dancing girls and wine had acted as if he was superior to them towards the fellow-members of his caste though this was no longer true had drunk much wine and gone to bed a long time after midnight being tired and yet excited close to weeping and despair and had for a long time sought to sleep in vain his heart full of misery which he thought he could not bear any longer full of a disgust which he felt penetrating his entire body like the lukewarm repulsive taste of the wine the just too sweet dull music the just too soft smile of the dancing girls the just too sweet scent of their hair and breasts
more than by anything else he was disgusted by himself by his perfumed hair by the smell of wine from his mouth by the flabby tiredness and listlessness of his skin
when someone who has eaten and drunk far too much vomits it back up again with agonising pain and is nevertheless glad about the relief thus this sleepless man wished to free himself of these pleasures these habits and all of this pointless life and himself in an immense burst of disgust
until the light of the morning and the beginning of the first activities in the street before his city-house he had slightly fallen asleep had found for a few moments a half unconsciousness a hint of sleep
in those moments he had a dream
owned a small rare singing bird in a golden cage
of this bird he dreamt
he dreamt
this bird had become mute who at other times always used to sing in the morning and since this arose his attention he stepped in front of the cage and looked inside
there the small bird was dead and lay stiff on the ground
he took it out weighed it for a moment in his hand and then threw it away out in the street and in the same moment he felt terribly shocked and his heart hurt as if he had thrown away from himself all value and everything good by throwing out this dead bird
up from this dream he felt encompassed by a deep sadness
so it seemed to him worthless and pointless was the way he had been going through life
nothing which was alive nothing which was in some way delicious or worth keeping he had left in his hands
he stood there and empty like a castaway on the shore
a gloomy mind went to the pleasure-garden he owned locked the gate sat down under a mango-tree felt death in his heart and horror in his chest sat and sensed how everything died in him withered in him came to an end in him
by and by he gathered his thoughts and in his mind he once again went the entire path of his life starting with the first days he could remember
was there ever a time when he had experienced happiness felt a true bliss
yes several times he had experienced such a thing
in his years as a boy he has had a taste of it when he had obtained praise from the he had felt it in his heart
is a path in front of the one who has distinguished himself in the recitation of the holy verses in the dispute with the learned ones as an assistant in the offerings
he had felt it in his heart
is a path in front of you you are destined for the gods are awaiting you
again as a young man when the ever rising upward fleeing goal of all thinking had ripped him out of and up from the multitude of those seeking the same goal when he wrestled in pain for the purpose of when every obtained knowledge only kindled new thirst in him then again he had in the midst of the thirst in the midst of the pain felt this very same thing
go on
go on
are called upon
he had heard this voice when he had left his home and had chosen the life of a and again when he had gone away from the to that perfected one and also when he had gone away from him to the uncertain
how long had he not heard this voice any more for how long had he reached no height any more how even and dull was the manner in which his path had passed through life for many long years without a high goal without thirst without elevation content with small lustful pleasures and yet never satisfied
all of these many years without knowing it himself he had tried hard and longed to become a man like those many like those children and in all this his life had been much more miserable and poorer than theirs and their goals were not his nor their worries
after all that entire world of the kamaswami-people had only been a game to him a dance he would watch a comedy
had been dear had been valuable to him but was she still thus
he still need her or she him
they not play a game without an ending
it necessary to live for this
no it was not necessary
name of this game was a game for children a game which was perhaps enjoyable to play once twice ten times but for ever and ever over again
knew that the game was over that he could not play it any more
ran over his body inside of him so he felt something had died
entire day he sat under the mango-tree thinking of his father thinking of thinking of
he have to leave them to become a
he still sat there when the night had fallen
looking up he caught sight of the stars he thought
I'm sitting under my mango-tree in my pleasure-garden
he smiled a little
was it really necessary was it right was it not as foolish game that he owned a mango-tree that he owned a garden
he also put an end to this this also died in him
he rose bid his farewell to the mango-tree his farewell to the pleasure-garden
he had been without food this day he felt strong hunger and thought of his house in the city of his chamber and bed of the table with the meals on it
he smiled tiredly shook himself and bid his farewell to these things
in the same hour of the night left his garden left the city and never came back
a long time had people look for him thinking that he had fallen into the hands of robbers
had no one look for him
she was told that had disappeared she was not astonished
she not always expect it
he not a a man who was at home nowhere a pilgrim
most of all she had felt this the last time they had been together and she was happy in spite of all the pain of the loss that she had pulled him so affectionately to her heart for this last time that she had felt one more time to be so completely possessed and penetrated by him
she received the first news of disappearance she went to the window where she held a rare singing bird captive in a golden cage
opened the door of the cage took the bird out and let it fly
a long time she gazed after it the flying bird
this day on she received no more visitors and kept her house locked
after some time she became aware that she was pregnant from the last time she was together with
walked through the forest was already far from the city and knew nothing but that one thing that there was no going back for him that this life as he had lived it for many years until now was over and done away with and that he had tasted all of it sucked everything out of it until he was disgusted with it
was the singing bird he had dreamt of
was the bird in his heart
he had been entangled in he had sucked up disgust and death from all sides into his body like a sponge sucks up water until it is full
full he was full of the feeling of been sick of it full of misery full of death there was nothing left in this world which could have attracted him given him joy given him comfort
he wished to know nothing about himself anymore to have rest to be dead
if there only was a lightning-bolt to strike him dead
if there only was a tiger to devour him
if there only was a wine a poison which would numb his senses bring him forgetfulness and sleep and no awakening from that
there still any kind of filth he had not soiled himself with a sin or foolish act he had not committed a dreariness of the soul he had not brought upon himself
it still at all possible to be alive
it possible to breathe in again and again to breathe out to feel hunger to eat again to sleep again to sleep with a woman again
this cycle not exhausted and brought to a conclusion for him
reached the large river in the forest the same river over which a long time ago when he had still been a young man and came from the town of a ferryman had conducted him
by this river he stopped hesitantly he stood at the bank
and hunger had weakened him and whatever for should he walk on wherever to to which goal
no there were no more goals there was nothing left but the deep painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream to spit out this stale wine to put an end to this miserable and shameful life
a hang bent over the bank of the river a coconut-tree
leaned against its trunk with his shoulder embraced the trunk with one arm and looked down into the green water which ran and ran under him looked down and found himself to be entirely filled with the wish to let go and to drown in these waters
a frightening emptiness was reflected back at him by the water answering to the terrible emptiness in his soul
he had reached the end
was nothing left for him except to annihilate himself except to smash the failure into which he had shaped his life to throw it away before the feet of mockingly laughing gods
was the great vomiting he had longed for
death the smashing to bits of the form he hated
him be food for fishes this dog this lunatic this depraved and rotten body this weakened and abused soul
him be food for fishes and crocodiles let him be chopped to bits by the daemons
a distorted face he stared into the water saw the reflection of his face and spit at it
in deep tiredness he took his arm away from the trunk of the tree and turned a bit in order to let himself fall straight down in order to finally drown
his eyes closed he slipped towards death
out of remote areas of his soul out of past times of his now weary life a sound stirred up
it was a word a syllable which he without thinking with a slurred voice spoke to himself the old word which is the beginning and the end of all prayers of the the holy which roughly means that what is perfect or the completion
in the moment when the sound of touched ear his dormant spirit suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions
was deeply shocked
so this was how things were with him so doomed was he so much he had lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge that he had been able to seek death that this wish this wish of a child had been able to grow in him
to find rest by annihilating his body
all agony of these recent times all sobering realizations all desperation had not brought about this was brought on by this moment when the entered his consciousness
he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error

he spoke to himself

and again he knew about knew about the indestructibility of life knew about all that is divine which he had forgotten
this was only a moment flash
by the foot of the coconut-tree collapsed struck down by tiredness mumbling placed his head on the root of the tree and fell into a deep sleep
was his sleep and without dreams for a long time he had not known such a sleep any more
he woke up after many hours he felt as if ten years had passed he heard the water quietly flowing did not know where he was and who had brought him here opened his eyes saw with astonishment that there were trees and the sky above him and he remembered where he was and how he got here
it took him a long while for this and the past seemed to him as if it had been covered by a veil infinitely distant infinitely far away infinitely meaningless
he only knew that his previous life in the first moment when he thought about it this past life seemed to him like a very old previous incarnation like an early pre-birth of his present self that his previous life had been abandoned by him that full of disgust and wretchedness he had even intended to throw his life away but that by a river under a coconut-tree he has come to his senses the holy word on his lips that then he had fallen asleep and had now woken up and was looking at the world as a new man
he spoke the word to himself speaking which he had fallen asleep and it seemed to him as if his entire long sleep had been nothing but a long meditative recitation of a thinking of a submergence and complete entering into into the nameless the perfected
a wonderful sleep had this been
before by sleep he had been thus refreshed thus renewed thus rejuvenated
he had really died had drowned and was reborn in a new body
no he knew himself he knew his hand and his feet knew the place where he lay knew this self in his chest this the eccentric the weird one but this was nevertheless transformed was renewed was strangely well rested strangely awake joyful and curious
straightened up then he saw a person sitting opposite to him an unknown man a monk in a yellow robe with a shaven head sitting in the position of pondering
he observed the man who had neither hair on his head nor a beard and he had not observed him for long when he recognised this monk as the friend of his youth who had taken his refuge with the exalted
had aged he too but still his face bore the same features expressed zeal faithfulness searching timidness
when now sensing his gaze opened his eyes and looked at him saw that did not recognise him
was happy to find him awake
apparently he had been sitting here for a long time and been waiting for him to wake up though he did not know him
I have been sleeping said
did you get here
have been sleeping answered
it is not good to be sleeping in such places where snakes often are and the animals of the forest have their paths
I sir am a follower of the exalted the the and have been on a pilgrimage together with several of us on this path when I saw you lying and sleeping in a place where it is dangerous to sleep
I sought to wake you up sir and since I saw that your sleep was very deep I stayed behind from my group and sat with you
then so it seems I have fallen asleep myself I who wanted to guard your sleep
I have served you tiredness has overwhelmed me
now that you're awake let me go to catch up with my brothers
I thank you for watching out over my sleep spoke
you're friendly you followers of the exalted one
you may go then
I'm going sir
you sir always be in good health
I thank you
made the gesture of a salutation and said
said
monk stopped
me to ask sir from where do you know my name
smiled
I know you from your father's hut and from the school of the and from the offerings and from our walk to the and from that hour when you took your refuge with the exalted one in the grove
you're exclaimed loudly
I'm recognising you and don't comprehend any more how I couldn't recognise you right away
be welcome my joy is great to see you again
it also gives me joy to see you again
you've been the guard of my sleep again I thank you for this though I wouldn't have required any guard
are you going to friend
I'm going nowhere
we monks are always travelling whenever it is not the rainy season we always move from one place to another live according to the rules if the teachings passed on to us accept alms move on
it is always like this
you where are you going to
me too friend it is as it is with you
I'm going nowhere
I'm just travelling
I'm on a pilgrimage
spoke
you're saying
you're on a pilgrimage and I believe in you
forgive me you do not look like a pilgrim
you're wearing a rich man's garments you're wearing the shoes of a distinguished gentleman and your hair with the fragrance of perfume is not a pilgrim's hair not the hair of a
so my dear you have observed well your keen eyes see everything
I haven't said to you that I was a
I said
I'm on a pilgrimage
so it is
I'm on a pilgrimage
you're on a pilgrimage said
few would go on a pilgrimage in such clothes few in such shoes few with such hair
I have met such a pilgrim being a pilgrim myself for many years
I believe you my dear
now today you've met a pilgrim just like this wearing such shoes such a garment
my dear
eternal is the world of appearances not eternal anything but eternal are our garments and the style of our hair and our hair and bodies themselves
I'm wearing a rich man's clothes you've seen this quite right
I'm wearing them because I have been a rich man and I'm wearing my hair like the worldly and lustful people for I have been one of them
now what are you now
I don't know it I don't know it just like you
I'm travelling
I was a rich man and am no rich man any more and what I'll be tomorrow I don't know
you've lost your riches
I've lost them or they me
somehow happened to slip away from me
wheel of physical manifestations is turning quickly
is the
is the
is the rich man
non-eternal things change quickly you know it
looked at the friend of his youth for a long time with doubt in his eyes
that he gave him the salutation which one would use on a gentleman and went on his way
a smiling face watched him leave he loved him still this faithful man this fearful man
how could he not have loved everybody and everything in this moment in the glorious hour after his wonderful sleep filled with
enchantment which had happened inside of him in his sleep and by means of the was this very thing that he loved everything that he was full of joyful love for everything he saw
it was this very thing so it seemed to him now which had been his sickness before that he was not able to love anybody or anything
a smiling face watched the leaving monk
sleep had strengthened him much but hunger gave him much pain for by now he had not eaten for two days and the times were long past when he had been tough against hunger
sadness and yet also with a smile he thought of that time
in those days so he remembered he had boasted of three things to had been able to do three noble and undefeatable feats
fasting waiting thinking
had been his possession his power and strength his solid staff
in the busy laborious years of his youth he had learned these three feats nothing else
now they had abandoned him none of them was his any more neither fasting nor waiting nor thinking
the most wretched things he had given them up for what fades most quickly for sensual lust for the good life for riches
life had indeed been strange
now so it seemed now he had really become a childlike person
thought about his situation
was hard on him he did not really feel like it but he forced himself
he thought since all these most easily perishing things have slipped from me again now I'm standing here under the sun again just as I have been standing here a little child nothing is mine I have no abilities there is nothing I could bring about I have learned nothing
wondrous is this
that I'm no longer young that my hair is already half gray that my strength is fading now I'm starting again at the beginning and as a child
he had to smile
his fate had been strange
were going downhill with him and now he was again facing the world void and naked and stupid
he could not feed sad about this no he even felt a great urge to laugh to laugh about himself to laugh about this strange foolish world
are going downhill with you
he said to himself and laughed about it and as he was saying it he happened to glance at the river and he also saw the river going downhill always moving on downhill and singing and being happy through it all
he liked this well kindly he smiled at the river
this not the river in which he had intended to drown himself in past times a hundred years ago or had he dreamed this
indeed was my life so he thought wondrous detours it has taken
as a boy I had only to do with gods and offerings
as a youth I had only to do with asceticism with thinking and meditation was searching for worshipped the eternal in the
as a young man I followed the penitents lived in the forest suffered of heat and frost learned to hunger taught my body to become dead
soon afterwards insight came towards me in the form of the great teachings I felt the knowledge of the oneness of the world circling in me like my own blood
I also had to leave and the great knowledge
I went and learned the art of love with learned trading with piled up money wasted money learned to love my stomach learned to please my senses
I had to spend many years losing my spirit to unlearn thinking again to forget the oneness
isn't it just as if I had turned slowly and on a long detour from a man into a child from a thinker into a childlike person
yet this path has been very good
and yet the bird in my chest has not died
what a path has this been
I had to pass through so much stupidity through so much vices through so many errors through so much disgust and disappointments and woe just to become a child again and to be able to start over
it was right so my heart says to it my eyes smile to it
I've had to experience despair I've had to sink down to the most foolish one of all thoughts to the thought of suicide in order to be able to experience divine grace to hear again to be able to sleep properly and awake properly again
I had to become a fool to find in me again
I had to sin to be able to live again
else might my path lead me to
it is foolish this path it moves in loops perhaps it is going around in a circle
it go as it likes I want to take it
he felt joy rolling like waves in his chest
from he asked his heart where from did you get this happiness
it come from that long good sleep which has done me so good
or from the word which I said
or from the fact that I have escaped that I have completely fled that I am finally free again and am standing like a child under the sky
how good is it to have fled to have become free
clean and beautiful is the air here how good to breathe
where I ran away from there everything smelled of ointments of spices of wine of excess of sloth
did I hate this world of the rich of those who revel in fine food of the gamblers
did I hate myself for staying in this terrible world for so long
did I hate myself have deprive poisoned tortured myself have made myself old and evil
no never again I will as I used to like doing so much delude myself into thinking that was wise
this one thing I have done well this I like this I must praise that there is now an end to that hatred against myself to that foolish and dreary life
I praise you after so many years of foolishness you have once again had an idea have done something have heard the bird in your chest singing and have followed it
he praised himself found joy in himself listened curiously to his stomach which was rumbling with hunger
he had now so he felt in these recent times and days completely tasted and spit out devoured up to the point of desperation and death a piece of suffering a piece of misery
this it was good
much longer he could have stayed with made money wasted money filled his stomach and let his soul die of thirst
for much longer he could have lived in this soft well upholstered hell if this had not happened
the moment of complete hopelessness and despair that most extreme moment when he hung over the rushing waters and was ready to destroy himself
he had felt this despair this deep disgust and that he had not succumbed to it that the bird the joyful source and voice in him was still alive after all this was why he felt joy this was why he laughed this was why his face was smiling brightly under his hair which had turned gray
it is good he thought to get a taste of everything for oneself which one needs to know
lust for the world and riches do not belong to the good things I have already learned as a child
I have known it for a long time but I have experienced only now
now I know it don't just know it in my memory but in my eyes in my heart in my stomach
for me to know this
a long time he pondered his transformation listened to the bird as it sang for joy
not this bird died in him had he not felt its death
no something else from within him had died something which already for a long time had yearned to die
it not this what he used to intend to kill in his ardent years as a penitent
this not his self his small frightened and proud self he had wrestled with for so many years which had defeated him again and again which was back again after every killing prohibited joy felt fear
it not this which today had finally come to its death here in the forest by this lovely river
it not due to this death that he was now like a child so full of trust so without fear so full of joy
also got some idea of why he had fought this self in vain as a as a penitent
much knowledge had held him back too many holy verses too many sacrificial rules to much self-castigation so much doing and striving for that goal
of arrogance he had been always the smartest always working the most always one step ahead of all others always the knowing and spiritual one always the priest or wise one
being a priest into this arrogance into this spirituality his self had retreated there it sat firmly and grew while he thought he would kill it by fasting and penance
he saw it and saw that the secret voice had been right that no teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation
he had to go out into the world lose himself to lust and power to woman and money had to become a merchant a dice-gambler a drinker and a greedy person until the priest and in him was dead
he had to continue bearing these ugly years bearing the disgust the teachings the pointlessness of a dreary and wasted life up to the end up to bitter despair until the lustful the greedy could also die
he had died a new had woken up from the sleep
he would also grow old he would also eventually have to die mortal was mortal was every physical form
today he was young was a child the new and was full of joy
he thought these thoughts listened with a smile to his stomach listened gratefully to a buzzing bee
he looked into the rushing river never before he had liked a water so well as this one never before he had perceived the voice and the parable of the moving water thus strongly and beautifully
it seemed to him as if the river had something special to tell him something he did not know yet which was still awaiting him
in this river had intended to drown himself in it the old tired desperate had drowned today
the new felt a deep love for this rushing water and decided for himself not to leave it very soon
by this river I want to stay thought it is the same which I have crossed a long time ago on my way to the childlike people a friendly ferryman had guided me then he is the one I want to go to starting out from his hut my path had led me at that time into a new life which had now grown old and is dead my present path my present new life shall also take its start there
he looked into the rushing water into the transparent green into the crystal lines of its drawing so rich in secrets
pearls he saw rising from the deep quiet bubbles of air floating on the reflecting surface the blue of the sky being depicted in it
a thousand eyes the river looked at him with green ones with white ones with crystal ones with sky-blue ones
did he love this water how did it delight him how grateful was he to it
in his heart he heard the voice talking which was newly awaking and it told him
this water
near it
from it
yes he wanted to learn from it he wanted to listen to it
he who would understand this water and its secrets so it seemed to him would also understand many other things many secrets all secrets
out of all secrets of the river he today only saw one this one touched his soul
he saw
this water ran and ran incessantly it ran and was nevertheless always there was always at all times the same and yet new in every moment
be he who would grasp this understand this
he understood and grasped it not only felt some idea of it stirring a distant memory divine voices
rose the workings of hunger in his body became unbearable
in a daze he walked on up the path by the bank upriver listened to the current listened to the rumbling hunger in his body
he reached the ferry the boat was just ready and the same ferryman who had once transported the young across the river stood in the boat recognised him he had also aged very much
you like to ferry me over
he asked
ferryman being astonished to see such an elegant man walking along and on foot took him into his boat and pushed it off the bank
it's a beautiful life you have chosen for yourself the passenger spoke
it must be beautiful to live by this water every day and to cruise on it
a smile the man at the oar moved from side to side
it is beautiful sir it is as you say
isn't every life isn't every work beautiful
may be true
I envy you for yours
ah you would soon stop enjoying it
is nothing for people wearing fine clothes
laughed
before I have been looked upon today because of my clothes I have been looked upon with distrust
wouldn't you ferryman like to accept these clothes which are a nuisance to me from me
you must know I have no money to pay your fare
you're joking sir the ferryman laughed
I'm not joking friend
once before you have ferried me across this water in your boat for the immaterial reward of a good deed
do it today as well and accept my clothes for it
do you sir intent to continue travelling without clothes
ah most of all I wouldn't want to continue travelling at all
of all I would like you ferryman to give me an old loincloth and kept me with you as your assistant or rather as your trainee for I'll have to learn first how to handle the boat
a long time the ferryman looked at the stranger searching
I recognise you he finally said
at one time you've slept in my hut this was a long time ago possibly more than twenty years ago and you've been ferried across the river by me and we parted like good friends
haven't you've been a
I can't think of your name any more
my name is and I was a when you've last seen me
so be welcome
my name is
will so I hope be my guest today as well and sleep in my hut and tell me where you're coming from and why these beautiful clothes are such a nuisance to you
had reached the middle of the river and pushed the oar with more strength in order to overcome the current
he worked calmly his eyes fixed in on the front of the boat with brawny arms
sat and watched him and remembered how once before on that last day of his time as a love for this man had stirred in his heart
he accepted invitation
they had reached the bank he helped him to tie the boat to the stakes
after this the ferryman asked him to enter the hut offered him bread and water and ate with eager pleasure and also ate with eager pleasure of the mango fruits offered him
it was almost the time of the sunset they sat on a log by the bank and told the ferryman about where he originally came from and about his life as he had seen it before his eyes today in that hour of despair
late at night lasted his tale
listened with great attention
carefully he let everything enter his mind birthplace and childhood all that learning all that searching all joy all distress
was among the ferryman's virtues one of the greatest
like only a few he knew how to listen
him having spoken a word the speaker sensed how let his words enter his mind quiet open waiting how he did not lose a single one awaited not a single one with impatience did not add his praise or rebuke was just listening
felt what a happy fortune it is to confess to such a listener to bury in his heart his own life his own search his own suffering
in the end of tale when he spoke of the tree by the river and of his deep fall of the holy and how he had felt such a love for the river after his slumber the ferryman listened with twice the attention entirely and completely absorbed by it with his eyes closed
when fell silent and a long silence had occurred then said
it is as I thought
river has spoken to you
it is your friend as well it speaks to you as well
is good that is very good
with me my friend
I used to have a wife her bed was next to mine but she has died a long time ago for a long time I have lived alone
you shall live with me there is space and food for both
I thank you said I thank you and accept
I also thank you for this for listening to me so well
people are rare who know how to listen
I did not meet a single one who knew it as well as you did
I will also learn in this respect from you
will learn it spoke but not from me
river has taught me to listen from it you will learn it as well
it knows everything the river everything can be learned from it
you've already learned this from the water too that it is good to strive downwards to sink to seek depth
rich and elegant is becoming an oarsman's servant the learned becomes a ferryman
this has also been told to you by the river
you'll learn that other thing from it as well
after a long pause
other thing
rose
it is late he said let's go to sleep
I can't tell you that other thing friend
you'll learn it or perhaps you know it already
I'm no learned man I have no special skill in speaking I also have no special skill in thinking
I'm able to do is to listen and to be godly I have learned nothing else
if I was able to say and teach it I might be a wise man but like this I am only a ferryman and it is my task to ferry people across the river
I have transported many thousands
and to all of them my river has been nothing but an obstacle on their travels
travelled to seek money and business and for weddings and on pilgrimages and the river was obstructing their path and the ferryman's job was to get them quickly across that obstacle
for some among thousands a few four or five the river has stopped being an obstacle they have heard its voice they have listened to it and the river has become sacred to them as it has become sacred to me
rest now
stayed with the ferryman and learned to operate the boat and when there was nothing to do at the ferry he worked with in the rice-field gathered wood plucked the fruit off the banana-trees
he learned to build an oar and learned to mend the boat and to weave baskets and was joyful because of everything he learned and the days and months passed quickly
more than could teach him he was taught by the river
he learned from it
of all he learned from it to listen to pay close attention with a quiet heart with a waiting opened soul without passion without a wish without judgement without an opinion
in a friendly manner he lived side by side with and occasionally they exchanged some words few and at length thought about words
was no friend of words
rarely succeeded in persuading him to speak
you so he asked him at one time did you too learn that secret from the river
that there is no time
face was filled with a bright smile
he spoke
it is this what you mean isn't it
that the river is everywhere at once at the source and at the mouth at the waterfall at the ferry at the rapids in the sea in the mountains everywhere at once and that there is only the present time for it not the shadow of the past not the shadow of the future
it is said
when I had learned it I looked at my life and it was also a river and the boy was only separated from the man and from the old man by a shadow not by something real
previous births were no past and his death and his return to was no future
was nothing will be
everything is everything has existence and is present
spoke with ecstasy
deeply this enlightenment had delighted him
was not all suffering time were not all forms of tormenting oneself and being afraid time was not everything hard everything hostile in the world gone and overcome as soon as one had overcome time as soon as time would have been put out of existence by one's thoughts
in ecstatic delight he had spoken but smiled at him brightly and nodded in confirmation
silently he nodded brushed his hand over shoulder turned back to his work
once again when the river had just increased its flow in the rainy season and made a powerful noise then said
isn't it so friend the river has many voices very many voices
hasn't it the voice of a king and of a warrior and of a bull and of a bird of the night and of a woman giving birth and of a sighing man and a thousand other voices more
so it is nodded all voices of the creatures are in its voice
do you know continued what word it speaks when you succeed in hearing all of its ten thousand voices at once
face was smiling he bent over to and spoke the holy into his ear
this had been the very thing which had also been hearing
time after time his smile became more similar to the ferryman's became almost just as bright almost just as throughly glowing with bliss just as shining out of thousand small wrinkles just as alike to a child's just as alike to an old man's
travellers seeing the two ferrymen thought they were brothers
they sat in the evening together by the bank on the log said nothing and both listened to the water which was no water to them but the voice of life the voice of what exists of what is eternally taking shape
it happened from time to time that both when listening to the river thought of the same things of a conversation from the day before yesterday of one of their travellers the face and fate of whom had occupied their thoughts of death of their childhood and that they both in the same moment when the river had been saying something good to them looked at each other both thinking precisely the same thing both delighted about the same answer to the same question
was something about this ferry and the two ferrymen which was transmitted to others which many of the travellers felt
it happened occasionally that a traveller after having looked at the face of one of the ferrymen started to tell the story of his life told about pains confessed evil things asked for comfort and advice
it happened occasionally that someone asked for permission to stay for a night with them to listen to the river
it also happened that curious people came who had been told that there were two wise men or sorcerers or holy men living by that ferry
curious people asked many questions but they got no answers and they found neither sorcerers nor wise men they only found two friendly little old men who seemed to be mute and to have become a bit strange and gaga
the curious people laughed and were discussing how foolishly and gullibly the common people were spreading such empty rumours
years passed by and nobody counted them
at one time monks came by on a pilgrimage followers of the who were asking to be ferried across the river and by them the ferrymen were told that they were most hurriedly walking back to their great teacher for the news had spread the exalted one was deadly sick and would soon die his last human death in order to become one with the salvation
it was not long until a new flock of monks came along on their pilgrimage and another one and the monks as well as most of the other travellers and people walking through the land spoke of nothing else than of and his impending death
as people are flocking from everywhere and from all sides when they are going to war or to the coronation of a king and are gathering like ants in droves thus they flocked like being drawn on by a magic spell to where the great was awaiting his death where the huge event was to take place and the great perfected one of an era was to become one with the glory
thought in those days of the dying wise man the great teacher whose voice had admonished nations and had awoken hundreds of thousands whose voice he had also once heard whose holy face he had also once seen with respect
he thought of him saw his path to perfection before his eyes and remembered with a smile those words which he had once as a young man said to him the exalted one
had been so it seemed to him proud and precocious words
with a smile he remembered them
a long time he knew that there was nothing standing between and him any more though he was still unable to accept his teachings
no there was no teaching a truly searching person someone who truly wanted to find could accept
he who had found he could approve of any teachings every path every goal there was nothing standing between him and all the other thousand any more who lived in that what is eternal who breathed what is divine
on one of these days when so many went on a pilgrimage to the dying also went to him who used to be the most beautiful of the courtesans
a long time ago she had retired from her previous life had given her garden to the monks of as a gift had taken her refuge in the teachings was among the friends and benefactors of the pilgrims
with the boy her son she had gone on her way due to the news of the near death of in simple clothes on foot
her little son she was travelling by the river
but the boy had soon grown tired desired to go back home desired to rest desired to eat became disobedient and started whining
often had to take a rest with him he was accustomed to having his way against her she had to feed him had to comfort him had to scold him
he did not comprehend why he had to go on this exhausting and sad pilgrimage with his mother to an unknown place to a stranger who was holy and about to die
so what if he died how did this concern the boy
pilgrims were getting close to ferry when little once again forced his mother to rest
herself had also become tired and while the boy was chewing a banana she crouched down on the ground closed her eyes a bit and rested
suddenly she uttered a wailing scream the boy looked at her in fear and saw her face having grown pale from horror
and from under her dress a small black snake fled by which had been bitten
they now both ran along the path in order to reach people and got near to the ferry there collapsed and was not able to go any further
the boy started crying miserably only interrupting it to kiss and hug his mother and she also joined his loud screams for help until the sound reached ears who stood at the ferry
he came walking took the woman on his arms carried her into the boat the boy ran along and soon they all reached the hut were stood by the stove and was just lighting the fire
he looked up and first saw the boy's face which wondrously reminded him of something like a warning to remember something he had forgotten
he saw whom he instantly recognised though she lay unconscious in the ferryman's arms and now he knew that it was his own son whose face had been such a warning reminder to him and the heart stirred in his chest
wound was washed but had already turned black and her body was swollen she was made to drink a healing potion
consciousness returned she lay on bed in the hut and bent over her stood who used to love her so much
it seemed like a dream to her
with a smile she looked at her friend's face
just slowly she realized her situation remembered the bite called timidly for the boy
he's with you don't worry said
looked into his eyes
spoke with a heavy tongue paralysed by the poison
you've become old my dear she said you've become gray
you are like the young who at one time came without clothes with dusty feet to me into the garden
are much more like him than you were like him at that time when you had left me and
in the eyes you're like him
I have also grown old old could you still recognise me
smiled
I recognised you my dear
pointed to her boy and said
you recognise him as well
he is your son
eyes became confused and fell shut
boy wept took him on his knees let him weep petted his hair and at the sight of the child's face a prayer came to his mind which he had learned a long time ago when he had been a little boy himself
with a singing voice he started to speak
from his past and childhood the words came flowing to him
with that singsong the boy became calm was only now and then uttering a sob and fell asleep
placed him on bed
stood by the stove and cooked rice
gave him a look which he returned with a smile
she'll die said quietly
nodded
over his friendly face ran the light of the stove's fire
again returned to consciousness
distorted her face eyes read the suffering on her mouth on her pale cheeks
he read it attentively waiting his mind becoming one with her suffering
felt it her gaze sought his eyes
at him she said
I see that your eyes have changed as well
they've become completely different
by what do I still recognise that you're
it's you and it's not you
said nothing quietly his eyes looked at hers
have achieved it
she asked
have found peace
he smiled and placed his hand on hers
I'm seeing it she said I'm seeing it
I too will find peace
have found it spoke in a whisper
never stopped looking into his eyes
thought about her pilgrimage to which she wanted to take in order to see the face of the perfected one to breathe his peace and she thought that she had now found him in his place and that it was good just as good as if she had seen the other one
wanted to tell this to him but the tongue no longer obeyed her will
speaking she looked at him and he saw the life fading from her eyes
the final pain filled her eyes and made them grow dim when the final shiver ran through her limbs his finger closed her eyelids
a long time he sat and looked at her peacefully dead face
a long time he observed her mouth her old tired mouth with those lips which had become thin and he remembered that he used to in the spring of his years compare this mouth with a freshly cracked fig
a long time he sat read in the pale face in the tired wrinkles filled himself with this sight saw his own face lying in the same manner just as white just as quenched out and saw at the same time his face and hers being young with red lips with fiery eyes and the feeling of this both being present and at the same time real the feeling of eternity completely filled every aspect of his being
he felt more deeply than ever before in this hour the indestructibility of every life the eternity of every moment
he rose had prepared rice for him
did not eat
in the stable where their goat stood the two old men prepared beds of straw for themselves and lay himself down to sleep
went outside and sat this night before the hut listening to the river surrounded by the past touched and encircled by all times of his life at the same time
occasionally he rose stepped to the door of the hut and listened whether the boy was sleeping
in the morning even before the sun could be seen came out of the stable and walked over to his friend
haven't slept he said
no
I sat here I was listening to the river
a lot it has told me deeply it has filled me with the healing thought with the thought of oneness
you've experienced suffering but I see
no sadness has entered your heart
no my dear how should I be sad
I who have been rich and happy have become even richer and happier now
my son has been given to me
son shall be welcome to me as well
now let's get to work there is much to be done
has died on the same bed on which my wife had died a long time ago
us also build funeral pile on the same hill on which I had then built my wife's funeral pile
the boy was still asleep they built the funeral pile
and weeping the boy had attended his mother's funeral
gloomy and shy he had listened to who greeted him as his son and welcomed him at his place in hut
he sat for many days by the hill of the dead did not want to eat gave no open look did not open his heart met his fate with resistance and denial
spared him and let him do as he pleased he honoured his mourning
understood that his son did not know him that he could not love him like a father
he also saw and understood that the eleven-year-old was a pampered boy a mother's boy and that he had grown up in the habits of rich people accustomed to finer food to a soft bed accustomed to giving orders to servants
understood that the mourning pampered child could not suddenly and willingly be content with a life among strangers and in poverty
he did not force him he did many a chore for him always picked the best piece of the meal for him
he hoped to win him over by friendly patience
and happy he had called himself when the boy had come to him
time had passed on in the meantime and the boy remained a stranger and in a gloomy disposition since he displayed a proud and stubbornly disobedient heart did not want to do any work did not pay his respect to the old men stole from fruit-trees then began to understand that his son had not brought him happiness and peace but suffering and worry
he loved him and he preferred the suffering and worries of love over happiness and joy without the boy
young was in the hut the old men had split the work
had again taken on the job of the ferryman all by himself and in order to be with his son did the work in the hut and the field
a long time for long months waited for his son to understand him to accept his love to perhaps reciprocate it
long months waited watching waited and said nothing
day when the younger had once again tormented his father very much with spite and an unsteadiness in his wishes and had broken both of his rice-bowls took in the evening his friend aside and talked to him
me
he said from a friendly heart I'm talking to you
I'm seeing that you are tormenting yourself I'm seeing that you're in grief
son my dear is worrying you and he is also worrying me
young bird is accustomed to a different life to a different nest
he has not like you ran away from riches and the city being disgusted and fed up with it
against his will he had to leave all this behind
I asked the river friend many times I have asked it
the river laughs it laughs at me it laughs at you and me and is shaking with laughter at our foolishness
wants to join water youth wants to join youth your son is not in the place where he can prosper
too should ask the river
you too should listen to it
looked into his friendly face in the many wrinkles of which there was incessant cheerfulness
could I part with him
he said quietly ashamed
me some more time my dear
I'm fighting for him I'm seeking to win his heart with love and with friendly patience I intent to capture it
day the river shall also talk to him he also is called upon
smile flourished more warmly
yes he too is called upon he too is of the eternal life
do we you and me know what he is called upon to do what path to take what actions to perform what pain to endure
a small one his pain will be
after all his heart is proud and hard people like this have to suffer a lot err a lot do much injustice burden themselves with much sin
me my dear
you're not taking control of your son's upbringing
don't force him
don't beat him
don't punish him
no I don't do anything of this
I knew it
don't force him don't beat him don't give him orders because you know that 'soft is stronger than 'hard water stronger than rocks love stronger than force
good I praise you
aren't you mistaken in thinking that you wouldn't force him wouldn't punish him
don't you shackle him with your love
don't you make him feel inferior every day and don't you make it even harder on him with your kindness and patience
don't you force him the arrogant and pampered boy to live in a hut with two old banana-eaters to whom even rice is a delicacy whose thoughts can't be his whose hearts are old and quiet and beats in a different pace than his
isn't forced isn't he punished by all this
looked to the ground
he asked
do you think should I do
him into the city bring him into his mother's house there'll still be servants around give him to them
when there aren't any around any more bring him to a teacher not for the teachings sake but so that he shall be among other boys and among girls and in the world which is his own
you never thought of this
you're seeing into my heart spoke sadly
I have thought of this
look how shall I put him who had no tender heart anyhow into this world
won't he become exuberant won't he lose himself to pleasure and power won't he repeat all of his father's mistakes won't he perhaps get entirely lost in
the ferryman's smile lit up
softly he touched arm and said
the river about it my friend
it laugh about it
you actually believe that you had committed your foolish acts in order to spare your son from committing them too
could you in any way protect your son from
could you
by means of teachings prayer admonition
my dear have you entirely forgotten that story that story containing so many lessons that story about a son which you once told me here on this very spot
has kept the safe from from sin from greed from foolishness
his father's religious devotion his teachers warnings his own knowledge his own search able to keep him safe
father which teacher had been able to protect him from living his life for himself from soiling himself with life from burdening himself with guilt from drinking the bitter drink for himself from finding his path for himself
you think my dear anybody might perhaps be spared from taking this path
perhaps your little son would be spared because you love him because you would like to keep him from suffering and pain and disappointment
even if you would die ten times for him you would not be able to take the slightest part of his destiny upon yourself
before had spoken so many words
thanked him went troubled into the hut could not sleep for a long time
had told him nothing he had not already thought and known for himself
this was a knowledge he could not act upon stronger than the knowledge was his love for the boy stronger was his tenderness his fear to lose him
he ever lost his heart so much to something had he ever loved any person thus thus blindly thus sufferingly thus unsuccessfully and yet thus happily
could not heed his friend's advice he could not give up the boy
he let the boy give him orders he let him disregard him
he said nothing and waited
daily he began the mute struggle of friendliness the silent war of patience
also said nothing and waited friendly knowing patient
were both masters of patience
at one time when the boy's face reminded him very much of suddenly had to think of a line which a long time ago in the days of their youth had once said to him
cannot love she had said to him and he had agreed with her and had compared himself with a star while comparing the childlike people with falling leaves and nevertheless he had also sensed an accusation in that line
he had never been able to lose or devote himself completely to another person to forget himself to commit foolish acts for the love of another person
never he had been able to do this and this was as it had seemed to him at that time the great distinction which set him apart from the childlike people
now since his son was here now he had also become completely a childlike person suffering for the sake of another person loving another person lost to a love having become a fool on account of love
he too felt late once in his lifetime this strongest and strangest of all passions suffered from it suffered miserably and was nevertheless in bliss was nevertheless renewed in one respect enriched by one thing
he did sense very well that this love this blind love for his son was a passion something very human that it was a murky source dark waters
he felt at the same time it was not worthless it was necessary came from the essence of his own being
pleasure also had to be atoned for this pain also had to be endured these foolish acts also had to be committed
all this the son let him commit his foolish acts let him court for his affection let him humiliate himself every day by giving in to his moods
father had nothing which would have delighted him and nothing which he would have feared
he was a good man this father a good kind soft man perhaps a very devout man perhaps a saint all these were no attributes which could win the boy over
he was bored by this father who kept him prisoner here in this miserable hut of his he was bored by him and for him to answer every naughtiness with a smile every insult with friendliness every viciousness with kindness this very thing was the hated trick of this old sneak
more the boy would have liked it if he had been threatened by him if he had been abused by him
a day came when what young had on his mind came bursting forth and he openly turned against his father
latter had given him a task he had told him to gather brushwood
the boy did not leave the hut in stubborn disobedience and rage he stayed where he was thumped on the ground with his feet clenched his fists and screamed in a powerful outburst his hatred and contempt into his father's face
the brushwood for yourself
he shouted foaming at the mouth I'm not your servant
I do know that you won't hit me you don't dare
I do know that you constantly want to punish me and put me down with your religious devotion and your indulgence
want me to become like you just as devout just as soft just as wise
I listen up just to make you suffer I rather want to become a highway-robber and murderer and go to hell than to become like you
I hate you you're not my father and if you've ten times been my mother's fornicator
and grief boiled over in him foamed at the father in a hundred savage and evil words
the boy ran away and only returned late at night
the next morning he had disappeared
had also disappeared was a small basket woven out of bast of two colours in which the ferrymen kept those copper and silver coins which they received as a fare
boat had also disappeared saw it lying by the opposite bank
boy had ran away
I must follow him said who had been shivering with grief since those ranting speeches the boy had made yesterday
a child can't go through the forest all alone
he'll perish
we must build a raft to get over the water
we will build a raft said to get our boat back which the boy has taken away
him you shall let run along my friend he is no child any more he knows how to get around
he's looking for the path to the city and he is right don't forget that
he's doing what you've failed to do yourself
he's taking care of himself he's taking his course
I see you suffering but you're suffering a pain at which one would like to laugh at which you'll soon laugh for yourself
did not answer
he already held the axe in his hands and began to make a raft of bamboo and helped him to tie the canes together with ropes of grass
they crossed over drifted far off their course pulled the raft upriver on the opposite bank
did you take the axe along
asked
said
it might have been possible that the oar of our boat got lost
knew what his friend was thinking
he thought the boy would have thrown away or broken the oar in order to get even and in order to keep them from following him
in fact there was no oar left in the boat
pointed to the bottom of the boat and looked at his friend with a smile as if he wanted to say
don't you see what your son is trying to tell you
don't you see that he doesn't want to be followed
he did not say this in words
he started making a new oar
bid his farewell to look for the run-away
did not stop him
had already been walking through the forest for a long time the thought occurred to him that his search was useless
so he thought the boy was far ahead and had already reached the city or if he should still be on his way he would conceal himself from him the pursuer
as he continued thinking he also found that he on his part was not worried for his son that he knew deep inside that he had neither perished nor was in any danger in the forest
he ran without stopping no longer to save him just to satisfy his desire just to perhaps see him one more time
he ran up to just outside of the city
near the city he reached a wide road he stopped by the entrance of the beautiful pleasure-garden which used to belong to where he had seen her for the first time in her sedan-chair
past rose up in his soul again he saw himself standing there young a bearded naked the hair full of dust
a long time stood there and looked through the open gate into the garden seeing monks in yellow robes walking among the beautiful trees
a long time he stood there pondering seeing images listening to the story of his life
a long time he stood there looked at the monks saw young in their place saw young walking among the high trees
he saw himself being served food and drink by receiving his first kiss from her looking proudly and disdainfully back on his beginning proudly and full of desire his worldly life
he saw saw the servants the orgies the gamblers with the dice the musicians saw song-bird in the cage lived through all this once again breathed was once again old and tired felt once again disgust felt once again the wish to annihilate himself was once again healed by the holy
having been standing by the gate of the garden for a long time realised that his desire was foolish which had made him go up to this place that he could not help his son that he was not allowed to cling him
he felt the love for the run-away in his heart like a wound and he felt at the same time that this wound had not been given to him in order to turn the knife in it that it had to become a blossom and had to shine
this wound did not blossom yet did not shine yet at this hour made him sad
of the desired goal which had drawn him here following the runaway son there was now emptiness
he sat down felt something dying in his heart experienced emptiness saw no joy any more no goal
he sat lost in thought and waited
he had learned by the river this one thing
waiting having patience listening attentively
he sat and listened in the dust of the road listened to his heart beating tiredly and sadly waited for a voice
an hour he crouched listening saw no images any more fell into emptiness let himself fall without seeing a path
when he felt the wound burning he silently spoke the filled himself with
monks in the garden saw him and since he crouched for many hours and dust was gathering on his gray hair one of them came to him and placed two bananas in front of him
old man did not see him
this petrified state he was awoken by a hand touching his shoulder
he recognised this touch this tender bashful touch and regained his senses
he rose and greeted who had followed him
when he looked into friendly face into the small wrinkles which were as if they were filled with nothing but his smile into the happy eyes then he smiled too
he saw the bananas lying in front of him picked them up gave one to the ferryman ate the other one himself
this he silently went back into the forest with returned home to the ferry
one talked about what had happened today neither one mentioned the boy's name neither one spoke about him running away neither one spoke about the wound
in the hut lay down on his bed and when after a while came to him to offer him a bowl of coconut-milk he already found him asleep
a long time the wound continued to burn
a traveller had to ferry across the river who was accompanied by a son or a daughter and he saw none of them without envying him without thinking
so many so many thousands possess this sweetest of good fortunes why don't I
bad people even thieves and robbers have children and love them and are being loved by them all except for me
simply thus without reason he now thought thus similar to the childlike people he had become
than before he now looked upon people less smart less proud but instead warmer more curious more involved
he ferried travellers of the ordinary kind childlike people businessmen warriors women these people did not seem alien to him as they used to
he understood them he understood and shared their life which was not guided by thoughts and insight but solely by urges and wishes he felt like them
he was near perfection and was bearing his final wound it still seemed to him as if those childlike people were his brothers their vanities desires for possession and ridiculous aspects were no longer ridiculous to him became understandable became lovable even became worthy of veneration to him
blind love of a mother for her child the stupid blind pride of a conceited father for his only son the blind wild desire of a young vain woman for jewelry and admiring glances from men all of these urges all of this childish stuff all of these simple foolish but immensely strong strongly living strongly prevailing urges and desires were now no childish notions for any more he saw people living for their sake saw them achieving infinitely much for their sake travelling conducting wars suffering infinitely much bearing infinitely much and he could love them for it he saw life that what is alive the indestructible the in each of their passions each of their acts
of love and admiration were these people in their blind loyalty their blind strength and tenacity
lacked nothing there was nothing the knowledgeable one the thinker had to put him above them except for one little thing a single tiny small thing
the consciousness the conscious thought of the oneness of all life
even doubted in many an hour whether this knowledge this thought was to be valued thus highly whether it might not also perhaps be a childish idea of the thinking people of the thinking and childlike people
in all other respects the worldly people were of equal rank to the wise men were often far superior to them just as animals too can after all in some moments seem to be superior to humans in their tough unrelenting performance of what is necessary
blossomed slowly ripened in the realisation the knowledge what wisdom actually was what the goal of his long search was
it was nothing but a readiness of the soul an ability a secret art to think every moment while living his life the thought of oneness to be able to feel and inhale the oneness
this blossomed in him was shining back at him from old childlike face
harmony knowledge of the eternal perfection of the world smiling oneness
the wound still burned longingly and bitterly thought of his son nurtured his love and tenderness in his heart allowed the pain to gnaw at him committed all foolish acts of love
by itself this flame would go out
one day when the wound burned violently ferried across the river driven by a yearning got off the boat and was willing to go to the city and to look for his son
river flowed softly and quietly it was the dry season but its voice sounded strange
it laughed
it laughed clearly
river laughed it laughed brightly and clearly at the old ferryman
stopped he bent over the water in order to hear even better and he saw his face reflected in the quietly moving waters and in this reflected face there was something which reminded him something he had forgotten and as he thought about it he found it
this face resembled another face which he used to know and love and also fear
it resembled his father's face the
he remembered how he a long time ago as a young man had forced his father to let him go to the penitents how he had bid his farewell to him how he had gone and had never come back
his father not also suffered the same pain for him which he now suffered for his son
his father not long since died alone without having seen his son again
he not have to expect the same fate for himself
it not a comedy a strange and stupid matter this repetition this running around in a fateful circle
river laughed
so it was everything came back which had not been suffered and solved up to its end the same pain was suffered over and over again
want back into the boat and ferried back to the hut thinking of his father thinking of his son laughed at by the river at odds with himself tending towards despair and not less tending towards laughing along at himself and the entire world
the wound was not blossoming yet his heart was still fighting his fate cheerfulness and victory were not yet shining from his suffering
he felt hope and once he had returned to the hut he felt an undefeatable desire to open up to to show him everything the master of listening to say everything
was sitting in the hut and weaving a basket
he no longer used the ferry-boat his eyes were starting to get weak and not just his eyes
his arms and hands as well
and flourishing was only the joy and the cheerful benevolence of his face
sat down next to the old man slowly he started talking
they had never talked about he now told him of of his walk to the city at that time of the burning wound of his envy at the sight of happy fathers of his knowledge of the foolishness of such wishes of his futile fight against them
he reported everything he was able to say everything even the most embarrassing parts everything could be said everything shown everything he could tell
he presented his wound also told how he fled today how he ferried across the water a childish run-away willing to walk to the city how the river had laughed
he spoke spoke for a long time while was listening with a quiet face listening gave a stronger sensation than ever before he sensed how his pain his fears flowed over to him how his secret hope flowed over came back at him from his counterpart
to show his wound to this listener was the same as bathing it in the river until it had cooled and become one with the river
he was still speaking still admitting and confessing felt more and more that this was no longer no longer a human being who was listening to him that this motionless listener was absorbing his confession into himself like a tree the rain that this motionless man was the river itself that he was himself that he was the eternal itself
while stopped thinking of himself and his wound this realisation of changed character took possession of him and the more he felt it and entered into it the less wondrous it became the more he realised that everything was in order and natural that had already been like this for a long time almost forever that only he had not quite recognised it yes that he himself had almost reached the same state
he felt that he was now seeing old as the people see the gods and that this could not last
in his heart he started bidding his farewell to
all this he talked incessantly
he had finished talking turned his friendly eyes which had grown slightly weak at him said nothing let his silent love and cheerfulness understanding and knowledge shine at him
he took hand led him to the seat by the bank sat down with him smiled at the river
you've heard it laugh he said
you haven't heard everything
listen you'll hear more
listened
sounded the river singing in many voices
looked into the water and images appeared to him in the moving water
his father appeared lonely mourning for his son
he himself appeared lonely he also being tied with the bondage of yearning to his distant son
his son appeared lonely as well the boy greedily rushing along the burning course of his young wishes each one heading for his goal each one obsessed by the goal each one suffering
river sang with a voice of suffering longingly it sang longingly it flowed towards its goal lamentingly its voice sang
do you hear
mute gaze asked
nodded
better
whispered
made an effort to listen better
image of his father his own image the image of his son merged image also appeared and was dispersed and the image of and other images and they merged with each other turned all into the river headed all being the river for the goal longing desiring suffering and the river's voice sounded full of yearning full of burning woe full of unsatisfiable desire
the goal the river was heading saw it hurrying the river which consisted of him and his loved ones and of all people he had ever seen all of these waves and waters were hurrying suffering towards goals many goals the waterfall the lake the rapids the sea and all goals were reached and every goal was followed by a new one and the water turned into vapour and rose to the sky turned into rain and poured down from the sky turned into a source a stream a river headed forward once again flowed on once again
the longing voice had changed
it still resounded full of suffering searching but other voices joined it voices of joy and of suffering good and bad voices laughing and sad ones a hundred voices a thousand voices
listened
he was now nothing but a listener completely concentrated on listening completely empty he felt that he had now finished learning to listen
before he had heard all this these many voices in the river today it sounded new
he could no longer tell the many voices apart not the happy ones from the weeping ones not the ones of children from those of men they all belonged together the lamentation of yearning and the laughter of the knowledgeable one the scream of rage and the moaning of the dying ones everything was one everything was intertwined and connected entangled a thousand times
everything together all voices all goals all yearning all suffering all pleasure all that was good and evil all of this together was the world
of it together was the flow of events was the music of life
when was listening attentively to this river this song of a thousand voices when he neither listened to the suffering nor the laughter when he did not tie his soul to any particular voice and submerged his self into it but when he heard them all perceived the whole the oneness then the great song of the thousand voices consisted of a single word which was
the perfection
do you hear gaze asked again
smile was shining floating radiantly over all the wrinkles of his old face as the was floating in the air over all the voices of the river
his smile was shining when he looked at his friend and brightly the same smile was now starting to shine on face as well
wound blossomed his suffering was shining his self had flown into the oneness
in this hour stopped fighting his fate stopped suffering
on his face flourished the cheerfulness of a knowledge which is no longer opposed by any will which knows perfection which is in agreement with the flow of events with the current of life full of sympathy for the pain of others full of sympathy for the pleasure of others devoted to the flow belonging to the oneness
rose from the seat by the bank when he looked into eyes and saw the cheerfulness of the knowledge shining in them he softly touched his shoulder with his hand in this careful and tender manner and said
I've been waiting for this hour my dear
that it has come let me leave
a long time I've been waiting for this hour
for a long time I've been the ferryman
it's enough
hut farewell river farewell
made a deep bow before him who bid his farewell
I've known it he said quietly
you'll go into the forests
I'm going into the forests I'm going into the oneness spoke with a bright smile
a bright smile he left
watched him leaving
deep joy with deep solemnity he watched him leave saw his steps full of peace saw his head full of lustre saw his body full of light
with other monks used to spend the time of rest between pilgrimages in the pleasure-grove which the courtesan had given to the followers of for a gift
he heard talk of an old ferryman who lived one day's journey away by the river and who was regarded as a wise man by many
went back on his way he chose the path to the ferry eager to see the ferryman
though he had lived his entire life by the rules though he was also looked upon with veneration by the younger monks on account of his age and his modesty the restlessness and the searching still had not perished from his heart
he came to the river and asked the old man to ferry him over and when they got off the boat on the other side he said to the old man
you're very good to us monks and pilgrims you have already ferried many of us across the river
aren't you too ferryman a searcher for the right path
smiling from his old eyes
do you call yourself a searcher venerable one though you are already of an old in years and are wearing the robe of monks
it's true I'm old spoke but I haven't stopped searching
I'll stop searching this seems to be my destiny
too so it seems to me have been searching
you like to tell me something honourable one
should I possibly have to tell you venerable one
that you're searching far too much
in all that searching you don't find the time for finding
come
asked
someone is searching said then it might easily happen that the only thing his eyes still see is that what he searches for that he is unable to find anything to let anything enter his mind because he always thinks of nothing but the object of his search because he has a goal because he is obsessed by the goal
means
having a goal
finding means
being free being open having no goal
venerable one are perhaps indeed a searcher because striving for your goal there are many things you don't see which are directly in front of your eyes
I don't quite understand yet asked what do you mean by this
a long time ago venerable one many years ago you've once before been at this river and have found a sleeping man by the river and have sat down with him to guard his sleep
you did not recognise the sleeping man
as if he had been the object of a magic spell the monk looked into the ferryman's eyes
you
he asked with a timid voice
I wouldn't have recognised you this time as well
my heart I'm greeting you
from my heart I'm happy to see you once again
you've changed a lot my friend
and so you've now become a ferryman
in a friendly manner laughed
a ferryman yes
people have to change a lot have to wear many a robe I am one of those my dear
be welcome and spend the night in my hut
stayed the night in the hut and slept on the bed which used to be bed
questions he posed to the friend of his youth many things had to tell him from his life
in the next morning the time had come to start the day's journey said not without hesitation these words
I'll continue on my path permit me to ask one more question
do you have a teaching
do you have a faith or a knowledge you follow which helps you to live and to do right
know my dear that I already as a young man in those days when we lived with the penitents in the forest started to distrust teachers and teachings and to turn my back to them
I have stuck with this
I have had many teachers since then
a beautiful courtesan has been my teacher for a long time and a rich merchant was my teacher and some gamblers with dice
even a follower of travelling on foot has been my teacher
he sat with me when I had fallen asleep in the forest on the pilgrimage
I've also learned from him I'm also grateful to him very grateful
most of all I have learned here from this river and from my predecessor the ferryman
he was a very simple person he was no thinker but he knew what is necessary just as well as he was a perfect man a saint
said
you love a bit to mock people as it seems to me
I believe in you and know that you haven't followed a teacher
haven't you found something by yourself though you've found no teachings you still found certain thoughts certain insights which are your own and which help you to live
if you would like to tell me some of these you would delight my heart
I've had thoughts yes and insight again and again
for an hour or for an entire day I have felt knowledge in me as one would feel life in one's heart
have been many thoughts but it would be hard for me to convey them to you
my dear this is one of my thoughts which I have found
wisdom cannot be passed on
which a wise man tries to pass on to someone always sounds like foolishness
you kidding
asked
I'm not kidding
I'm telling you what I've found
can be conveyed but not wisdom
it can be found it can be lived it is possible to be carried by it miracles can be performed with it but it cannot be expressed in words and taught
was what I even as a young man sometimes suspected what has driven me away from the teachers
I have found a thought which you'll again regard as a joke or foolishness but which is my best thought
it says
opposite of every truth is just as true
like this
any truth can only be expressed and put into words when it is one-sided
is one-sided which can be thought with thoughts and said with words it's all one-sided all just one half all lacks completeness roundness oneness
the exalted spoke in his teachings of the world he had to divide it into and into deception and truth into suffering and salvation
it cannot be done differently there is no other way for him who wants to teach
the world itself what exists around us and inside of us is never one-sided
a person or an act is never entirely or entirely a person is never entirely holy or entirely sinful
it does really seem like this because we are subject to deception as if time was something real
is not real I have experienced this often and often again
if time is not real then the gap which seems to be between the world and the eternity between suffering and blissfulness between evil and good is also a deception
come
asked timidly
well my dear listen well
sinner which I am and which you are is a sinner but in times to come he will be again he will reach the will be buddha and now see
these 'times to come are a deception are only a parable
sinner is not on his way to become a he is not in the process of developing though our capacity for thinking does not know how else to picture these things
no within the sinner is now and today already the future his future is already all there you have to worship in him in you in everyone the which is coming into being the possible the hidden
world my friend is not imperfect or on a slow path towards perfection
no it is perfect in every moment all sin already carries the divine forgiveness in itself all small children already have the old person in themselves all infants already have death all dying people the eternal life
it is not possible for any person to see how far another one has already progressed on his path
in the robber and dice-gambler the is waiting
in the the robber is waiting
in deep meditation there is the possibility to put time out of existence to see all life which was is and will be as if it was simultaneous and there everything is good everything is perfect everything is
I see whatever exists as good death is to me like life sin like holiness wisdom like foolishness everything has to be as it is everything only requires my consent only my willingness my loving agreement to be good for me to do nothing but work for my benefit to be unable to ever harm me
I have experienced on my body and on my soul that I needed sin very much I needed lust the desire for possessions vanity and needed the most shameful despair in order to learn how to give up all resistance in order to learn how to love the world in order to stop comparing it to some world I wished I imagined some kind of perfection I had made up but to leave it as it is and to love it and to enjoy being a part of it
these are some of the thoughts which have come into my mind
bent down picked up a stone from the ground and weighed it in his hand
here he said playing with it is a stone and will after a certain time perhaps turn into soil and will turn from soil into a plant or animal or human being
in the past I would have said
stone is just a stone it is worthless it belongs to the world of the
but because it might be able to become also a human being and a spirit in the cycle of transformations therefore I also grant it importance
I would perhaps have thought in the past
today I think
this stone is a stone it is also animal it is also god it is also I do not venerate and love it because it could turn into this or that but rather because it is already and always everything
and it is this very fact that it is a stone that it appears to me now and today as a stone this is why I love it and see worth and purpose in each of its veins and cavities in the yellow in the gray in the hardness in the sound it makes when I knock at it in the dryness or wetness of its surface
are stones which feel like oil or soap and others like leaves others like sand and every one is special and prays the in its own way each one is but simultaneously and just as much it is a stone is oily or juicy and this is this very fact which I like and regard as wonderful and worthy of worship
but let me speak no more of this
words are not good for the secret meaning everything always becomes a bit different as soon as it is put into words gets distorted a bit a bit silly yes and this is also very good and I like it a lot I also very much agree with this that this what is one man's treasure and wisdom always sounds like foolishness to another person
listened silently
have you told me this about the stone
he asked hesitantly after a pause
I did it without any specific intention
or perhaps what I meant was that love this very stone and the river and all these things we are looking at and from which we can learn
I can love a stone and also a tree or a piece of bark
are things and things can be loved
I cannot love words
teachings are no good for me they have no hardness no softness no colours no edges no smell no taste they have nothing but words
it are these which keep you from finding peace perhaps it are the many words
salvation and virtue as well and as well are mere words
is no thing which would be
there is just the word
just a word my friend is
it is a thought
continued
a thought it might be so
I must confess to you my dear
I don't differentiate much between thoughts and words
to be honest I also have no high opinion of thoughts
I have a better opinion of things
on this ferry-boat for instance a man has been my predecessor and teacher a holy man who has for many years simply believed in the river nothing else
he had noticed that the river's spoke to him he learned from it it educated and taught him the river seemed to be a god to him for many years he did not know that every wind every cloud every bird every beetle was just as divine and knows just as much and can teach just as much as the worshipped river
when this holy man went into the forests he knew everything knew more than you and me without teachers without books only because he had believed in the river
said
is that what you call `things actually something real something which has existence
isn't it just a deception of the just an image and illusion
stone your tree your river
are they actually a reality
too spoke I do not care very much about
the things be illusions or not after all I would then also be an illusion and thus they are always like me
is what makes them so dear and worthy of veneration for me
they are like me
I can love them
this is now a teaching you will laugh about
love seems to me to be the most important thing of all
to thoroughly understand the world to explain it to despise it may be the thing great thinkers do
I'm only interested in being able to love the world not to despise it not to hate it and me to be able to look upon it and me and all beings with love and admiration and great respect
I understand spoke
this very thing was discovered by the exalted one to be a deception
he commands benevolence clemency sympathy tolerance but not love
he forbade us to tie our heart in love to earthly things
I know it said
his smile shone golden
I know it
behold with this we are right in the middle of the thicket of opinions in the dispute about words
I cannot deny my words of love are in a contradiction a seeming contradiction with words
this very reason I distrust in words so much for I know this contradiction is a deception
I know that I am in agreement with
should he not know love he who has discovered all elements of human existence in their transitoriness in their meaninglessness and yet loved people thus much to use a long laborious life only to help them to teach them
with him even with your great teacher I prefer the thing over the words place more importance on his acts and life than on his speeches more on the gestures of his hand than his opinions
in his speech not in his thoughts I see his greatness only in his actions in his life
a long time the two old men said nothing
spoke while bowing for a farewell
I thank you for telling me some of your thoughts
are partially strange thoughts not all have been instantly understandable to me
being as it may I thank you and I wish you to have calm days
secretly he thought to himself
is a bizarre person he expresses bizarre thoughts his teachings sound foolish
so differently sound the exalted one's pure teachings clearer purer more comprehensible nothing strange foolish or silly is contained in them
different from his thoughts seemed to me hands and feet his eyes his forehead his breath his smile his greeting his walk
again after our exalted has become one with the never since then have I met a person of whom I felt
this is a holy man
him this I have found to be like this
his teachings be strange may his words sound foolish
out of his gaze and his hand his skin and his hair out of every part of him shines a purity shines a calmness shines a cheerfulness and mildness and holiness which I have seen in no other person since the final death of our exalted teacher
as thought like this and there was a conflict in his heart he once again bowed to drawn by love
he bowed to him who was calmly sitting
he spoke we have become old men
it is unlikely for one of us to see the other again in this incarnation
I see beloved that you have found peace
I confess that I haven't found it
me honourable one one more word give me something on my way which I can grasp which I can understand
me something to be with me on my path
it is often hard my path often dark
said nothing and looked at him with the ever unchanged quiet smile
stared at his face with fear with yearning suffering and the eternal search was visible in his look eternal not-finding
saw it and smiled
down to me
he whispered quietly in ear
down to me
this even closer
close
my forehead
while with astonishment and yet drawn by great love and expectation obeyed his words bent down closely to him and touched his forehead with his lips something miraculous happened to him
his thoughts were still dwelling on wondrous words while he was still struggling in vain and with reluctance to think away time to imagine and as one while even a certain contempt for the words of his friend was fighting in him against an immense love and veneration this happened to him
he no longer saw the face of his friend instead he saw other faces many a long sequence a flowing river of faces of hundreds of thousands which all came and disappeared and yet all seemed to be there simultaneously which all constantly changed and renewed themselves and which were still all
he saw the face of a fish a carp with an infinitely painfully opened mouth the face of a dying fish with fading eyes he saw the face of a new-born child red and full of wrinkles distorted from crying he saw the face of a murderer he saw him plunging a knife into the body of another person he saw in the same second this criminal in bondage kneeling and his head being chopped off by the executioner with one blow of his sword he saw the bodies of men and women naked in positions and cramps of frenzied love he saw corpses stretched out motionless cold void
he saw the heads of animals of boars of crocodiles of elephants of bulls of birds he saw gods saw saw agni he saw all of these figures and faces in a thousand relationships with one another each one helping the other loving it hating it destroying it giving re-birth to it each one was a will to die a passionately painful confession of transitoriness and yet none of them died each one only transformed was always re-born received evermore a new face without any time having passed between the one and the other face and all of these figures and faces rested flowed generated themselves floated along and merged with each other and they were all constantly covered by something thin without individuality of its own but yet existing like a thin glass or ice like a transparent skin a shell or mold or mask of water and this mask was smiling and this mask was smiling face which he in this very same moment touched with his lips
saw it like this this smile of the mask this smile of oneness above the flowing forms this smile of simultaneousness above the thousand births and deaths this smile of was precisely the same was precisely of the same kind as the quiet delicate impenetrable perhaps benevolent perhaps mocking wise thousand-fold smile of the as he had seen it himself with great respect a hundred times
this knew the perfected ones are smiling
knowing any more whether time existed whether the vision had lasted a second or a hundred years not knowing any more whether there existed a a a me and a you feeling in his innermost self as if he had been wounded by a divine arrow the injury of which tasted sweet being enchanted and dissolved in his innermost self still stood for a little while bent over quiet face which he had just kissed which had just been the scene of all manifestations all transformations all existence
face was unchanged after under its surface the depth of the thousandfoldness had closed up again he smiled silently smiled quietly and softly perhaps very benevolently perhaps very mockingly precisely as he used to smile the exalted one
bowed
tears he knew nothing of ran down his old face
like a fire burnt the feeling of the most intimate love the humblest veneration in his heart
he bowed touching the ground before him who was sitting motionlessly whose smile reminded him of everything he had ever loved in his life what had ever been valuable and holy to him in his life