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just_phoebe.txt
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text
Wait, does he eat chalk?
Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!
No.
Ooh! Oh!
Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, ..bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens... La la la la...
I helped!
Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.
Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to. SCENE
All right, c'mere, gimme your feet.
Give her a break, it's hard being on your own for the first time.
You're welcome. I remember when I first came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison, and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I ended up living with this albino guy who was, like, clea ning windows outside port authority, and then he killed himself, and then I found aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how you feel.
I can't believe what I'm hearing here...
What I said...
Oh, was I doing it again?
Oh, yeah!
...Then I've already seen this one!
She's already fluffed that pillow... Monica, you know, you've already fluffed that- -but, it's fine!
Monica- Hi! Um, Monica, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly. And not-not in a good way.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
No, look, don't touch that!
Doy! Probably right before she lost it!
Ooh! I found it!
She is so great! I miss her.
Y'know, it's even worse when you're twins.
Yeah. We don't speak. She's like this high-powered, driven career type.
She's a waitress.
You know, if you tilt your head to the left, and relax your eyes, it kinda looks like an old potato.
Okay!
Hi guys!
Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
- and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
Hey, Lizzie.
I brought you alphabet soup.
Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you.
No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
I know.
No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
Oh, that's fine, no.
No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
Okay.
No, I'm fine.
Huh!
I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
Does, um, anyone wanna see?
Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
There it is!
You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I-
Did he mention us?
If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs!
Oh! What what what! ...Hi.
I got no sleep last night!
My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are!
Thanks.
I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed.
I worked in a Dairy Queen, why?
Look, look, I have elbows! SCENE
Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy!
You are just like Jack.
No, Jack and the Beanstalk.
Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village..
Oh, see, Jack did love the cow.
Floopy?
Oh, like that's a word.
Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question.
What?
I don't even have a 'pl'. Pizza
And-and a power tie? Pizza
Big Bird's friend.
Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see!
Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman.
Definitely not his mother.
Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- Hey, that's not for you, bitch!
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley.
You'd already broken up.
A couple hours.
There he is! There he is!
Right- where we've been looking all night!
Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care.
You know, if you want, I'll do it with you.
No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony.
Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know.
What's the matter? Why so scrunchy?
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Are you gonna go over there?
This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us.
Eww, I don't wanna do that.
Ok, have a good break-up.
Yeah, it was really hard.
Ok, you weren't there.
Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.
Oh my god. How many of those have you had?
Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la.
All right.
Wait here. Breathe.
It's like a gift.
Oh, I'd like that.
What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this.
Hey, how'd it go?
Oh, he needed some time to grieve.
The exclamation point in the title scares me. Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
Based on this play? ...Based on this play! SCENE
No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.
Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Seriously, what-what's the part?
No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.
Hi. Um, I want to start with a song thats about that moment when you suddenly realize what life is all about. OK, here we go. OK, thank you very much.
Can I borrow the phone? I want to call my apartment and check on my grandma. What's my number?
Well, I never call me.
Eww, look. Ugly Naked Guy lit a bunch of candles.
Oh... Milwaukee.
Oh, Rachel.
New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy.... la la la, la la, la la...
About what?
What surprise party?
Well, he didn't tell me.
This is so typical. I'm always the last one to know everything.
Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in. Looks like I was second to last.
Oh, poor little Tooty is scared to death. We should find his owner.
Oh no, the Mendels, they hate all living things, right?
He seems to hate you. Are you sure? Mr.
Wait a minute. What's his name? Mr.
Oooh! You are a very bad man! Mr.
Alright. I looked all over the building and I couldn't find the kitty anywhere.
Ah! Well! There you go! Last to know again! And I'm guessing... since nobody told me... this is Paolo.
You betcha!
I know, I just want to bite his bottom lip. But I won't.
You know, did you ride mopeds? 'Cause I've heard... ... oh, I see... it's not about that right now. OK.
Oh, look look look. The last candle's about to burn out. 10, 9, 8, 7... ... negative 46, negative 47, negative 48....
Thanks.
Yeah, I think so, yeah.
I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
Oh, that sucks!
Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Hm, I mean maybe no-one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high- got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course- I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Thanks!
Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. Scene
Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
What'd I say?
God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
You missed a belt loop.
Okay, it's in spasm. Mrs.
Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ooh! That's so nice...
Hey.
What were you modeling for?
You know, the asthma guy was really cute.
Yes, and her boyfriend. But we're celebrating Thanksgiving in December 'cause he is lunar.
Yeah. Oh, can I come?
Ooh, ooh! Why don't we invite her?
Oh, I believe it. I think the baby can totally hear everything. I can show you. Look, this will seem a little weird, but you put your head inside this turkey, and then we'll all talk, and you'll hear everything we say.
No, we were just laughing. You know, how laughter can be infectious.
Look out, incoming pumpkin pie!
Ok, all done.
Oh, I'm sorry, oh, I just, I thought we could have them whipped and then add some peas and onions.
Well, 'cause then they'd be like my mom used to make them, you know, before she died.
Almost never.
Yeah, but did they have to shoot him down? I mean, that was just mean.
Ooh, ok, that's it. Enough with the keys. No one say keys.
Ooh.
Ugly Naked Guy's taking his turkey out of the oven. Oh my god. He's not alone. Ugly Naked Guy's having Thanksgiving dinner with Ugly Naked Gal.
It's nice that he has someone.
Ooh, you guys have to make a wish.
Come on, you know, Thanksgiving. Ooh, you got the bigger half. What'd you wish for?
That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Yeah, you wish!
Oh, oh, good.
Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year.
...My mother's ashes Even her eyelashes Are resting in a little yellow jar, And sometimes when it's breezy...
...I feel a little sneezy And now I- Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
Could you speak up please?
Okay, we're gonna take a short break.
David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
Sure.
Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you're a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist's body.
Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.
Oh yeah, right now.
Okay, now you're just kinda tidying.
I can hop.
Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
No, no, he hasn't been around.
Minsk?
I know where Minsk is.
So when, when do you leave?
Hello?
Hi.
Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so congratulations! This is so exciting!
Oh, you're not going? Oh, why?
So-so you're really not going?
Oh don't do that.
Oh no no.
Oh, but I can't do that-
It's your thing, and-
Okay, um, stay.
Stay.
Getting so good at that!
And then... your face is bloated?
Hi, Max!
Are you alright?
You're going to Minsk.
Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can't stay here just 'cause of me.
Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, 'Phoebe, my work is my life and that's what I have to do right now'. And I say 'your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!'. And then you say, um, 'it's tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can't you understand that?'. And I say 'no! No! I can't understand that!'.
Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you'll never forget me.
And then you say that it's almost midnight and you have to go because you don't wanna start the new year with me if you can't finish it. I'm gonna miss you. You scientist guy. Dick Clark
Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
I dunno. I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?
Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.
Where? Ooh, come to Momma.
We should do something. Whistle.
Come on, do it.
Do it!
Do it do it do it!
I can't believe you did that!
I just wish there was something we could do. Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!
Maybe nobody's tried this.
Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.
Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.
I know.
Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.
Hey hey hey! She's on!
Your mom was arrested?
What about Glen? He could be a Glen.
Ooh! How about Agamemnon?
I'm in. Mrs.
Hi.
Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?
No. No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?
Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?!
Hey Rach.
Hello.
Going to the hospital tonight?
No, you?
Okay, maybe it was a trick question. Um, Rachel can we do this now?
Thanks. Hi, um, 'kay. I'd like to start with a song that's about a man that I recently met, who's, um, come to be very important to me. 'Kay.
Alright, whadyou do with him?
Look at you! How, how do you feel? Coma
I'm Phoebe Buffay.
Well, we both have. Coma
Well, actually it's just from me.
You know who shaved you? That was me.
I sang. Hah! Coma
You're welcome. Coma
What, that's it?
I don't think you mean that.
Y'know what? We thought you were different. But I guess it was just the coma.
Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta.
Sorry.
Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Ok, thanks. Phoebe's
Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.
Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!
Fine!
Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.
All right, you know Paolo?
Well, he made a move on me.
He made a move on me. Joey,
Oh yeah, I'm sure. And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore.
Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
Uma Thurman.
She is gonna hate me. Ross
Hey!
Are you moving out?
Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Oh! Ok, um, ok, um,
Ok, um, we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. Rachel
I know.
Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies
Which proves that I never lie.
Paolo made a pass at me.
Are you okay?
Ok, I've got milk Here you go... Oh! Better?
I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Such a pig!
Oh he's like a...
...like a...
Yes, good! Ok...
Oh! I know! It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...
The end.
Should I not have told you?
I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...we should get over there and see if she's okay. Monica
Ooh!
Oh, ok bye-bye.
Oh, just look at her...
You ok?
Yep!
Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.
Oops!
Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.
Isn't he great?
I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?
Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.
Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.
Oh, this is my friend Roger.
It's Phoebe.
Isn't he good?
Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?
Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.
Hey.
Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.
So what's going on?
Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?
Nothing, nothing.
It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.
But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...
Intense and creepy.
But I don't. Me, Phoebe.
You're not? See, that's why you're so great!
Hey.
Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.
Yeah, right.
I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!
Hey, Joey. What's going on?
'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!
I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.
Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.
Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.
Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.
Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.
Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.
Um, that's ok! Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
Ok, yeah, ok. Oh, OK.
Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.
See, there you go, the cleansing works!
Hey guys, guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...
Never mind. But it was going to be really good.
So was it a lot more money?
Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.
Hi! Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....
Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.
Yeah, I know! Well, what do you think?
OK. Hey Monica! Guess what!
Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?
Ooh! Brian's Song!
Yummy noises.
Ooh! I know what you could make! I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know.
Oh, is this the bug lady?
That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!
Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
Oh! You have a window!
Oh look! That guy's peeing!
OK.
Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of of, OK, smells.
In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.
Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?
Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.
You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?
How's this?
How about over here?
See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt?
Ooh! Oh! Fun! Ok. Um, Liam Neeson.
Morly Safer.
The woman who cuts my hair!
Oh, really.
Riff's. Yeah, I know.
Hmmm? Uh, yeah. So, uh, is she fat?
Where were you standing?
It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it, later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new"?
Why? Why would you wanna do that? Why?
Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and uh, I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but you know, we've grown apart. So, uh, I don't know. Why not?
Yeah I'm fine.
Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.
Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.
Yeah?
Right, and it's me.
Much as you are.
Oh, that's good.
Good choice.
Oh, my first birthday present. Oh, this is really--
Oh, sure, yeah. Ok, it fits.
That you like. We get it. You like her. Great.
All right, well, maybe now it's not ok.
Ok.
Where're you going?
With?
All right, could I just ask you one question? Have you two, you know...like, you know, you know, yet?
All right, so, can we turn this off? Just, just make it--make them go away? I can't, I can't look.
Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing.
Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. Oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend? Monica &
Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart, and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Because he said he didn't wanna be around anything that looked like either one of us. I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but--
Yeah.
But he's falling in love with her.
Ok. Oh, ok, oh.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, hi! You found Betty! Oh my god! This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room. Where's Joey?
Hi. Trouble?
Oh, no. Don't you just hate it when people aren't there for you?
Hey.
Um, you, got a minute?
So.
Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.
Right, like the kind you--
How'd you know I was coming?
I can't believe you did this. I can't believe you--did this. So, what's the deal with uh you and Joey?
Does he know?
Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.
You got me.
So, um, are you gonna call him?
No. Joey.
No. No food with a face.
Yeah, you too.
Hey.
Listen, um.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, um, you know, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk.
That's right, I don't, but I was, I was drunk on you.
Ok, yeah, so it's not gonna work.
If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?
Um, then yes, 'cause of Phoebe. So, you know, it's either her or me.
You know, you're gonna be really, really hard to get over.
Really?
Yeah.
Is he all right?
Wow!
What?
Yeah, what is that? Like, some kind of guy thing? Like, some kind of sexist guy thing? Like it's poker, so only guys can play?
Oh, OK, so then what is it? Some kind of... you know, like, like... some kind of, y'know, like... alright, what is it?
Congratulations!
OK, I just need two... the, um, ten of spades and the six of clubs.
But... I'm ready, so, just deal.
About how good your cards were.
A-ha! And... what is bluffing? Is it not another word for... lying?
OK, Monica? I had another answer all ready.
Ha. Ha, ha.
Oh, hello, kettle? This is Monica. You're black.
Oh, it's like the mother ship is calling you home.
Thank y--
Ross, could we please, please, please listen to anything else?
Alright, here's my $7.50. But I think you should know that this money is cursed.
Oh, I cursed it. So now bad things will happen to he who spends it.
Hey you guys, look, the one-eyed jack follows me wherever I go. Right, OK, serious poker.
Yes! .... or no.
You guys, you know what I just realized? 'Joker' is 'poker' with a 'J.' Coincidence?
Yeah. Um... I'm out.
Monica, in or out?
OK Joey, your bet.
Ross?
Chandler?
Me too. Rachel.
Plus that shirt doesn't really match those pants.
Y'know, there's gonna be lots of other stuff.
I'm in.
...teen!
That's a bird?
That's a bird!
So good!
I-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, y'know, guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...
Hugh! Hugh Grant!
Hey.
Whoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?
Oh no, how?
Which one?
No, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky...
Why would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall? Mr.
Okay, thank you, Mr. Heckles. Mr.
Oh, is that who the monkey's named after?
Oh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
Yes, but there isn't always time!
Dun-dun-duuuur! Sorry.
Marcel?
Marcel?
OhmyGod!
Something just brushed up against my right leg!
Oh, it's okay, it was just my left leg.
Yeah! Oh, c'mere, Marcel! Oh, Marcel, c'mere!
Yeah, think so. Oh! Huh. Whoah.
Oh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
Nope.
How can people do that?... Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots! OPENING TITLES SCENE
Oh, God, just do it! Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!
So, uh, why didn't you say anything?
Okay, they're just talking...
No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!
That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! Oh!
Not a good day for birds...
Oh my God! Go away! Stop looking in here!
You cook naked?
Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.
How many beeps?
How'd he take it?
Sex in his chair.
Where are you going?
Radiator.
Rdtor.
You know he's gay?
Whoo-hoo!
Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again!
Hey.
What are you doing?
This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, Monica, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you.
Lotsa things.
I think she means 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon.
I'm totally getting it!
Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.
...Flame Boy.
Okay. Goodbye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the 'plane.
Oh!
Tell him, tell him.
Doing it on this table.
Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?
Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.
No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop". And they are.
What... I could, I could do it. What is it?
I could be a secretary.
I could do that.
Well, maybe 25-26.
There you go.
Yeah?
Oh. Uh, I?m on.
Mr. Bing?s office. No I?m sorry, he?s in a meeting right now.
Will he know what this is in reference to? And he has your number? All right, I?ll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.
Ross says hi.
This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?
Most likely. Okay, I?m gonna be out there.
All right. Bye bye.
Whatcha doin??
Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.
No, I didn?t tell anybody that I knew you.
Oh, because, you know... they don?t like you.
I thought you knew that.
Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.
Don?t feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you?re like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".
Yeah, yeah. They even do you.
You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'
That is so sweet, you guys. Ross, Rachel &
Hey, Mon.
Ooh, oh, I?ve gotta go. Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. Cool!
Um, oh, I?ve got a birthday party, with some work people.
No, I know. That?s a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravagance.
Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.
I really do, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don?t wanna be the geek that invited the boss.
You were great. But they still made fun of you.
You know, now you?re more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss", "Mr.", you know, "I?m one of you, Boss", "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing"
Well, you know what Chandler? I think you?ve gotta face it. You?re like, the guy in the big office, you know. You?re the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you?re a great boss.
Uh huh. But they?re not your friends anymore.
No, but you can?t.
Uh uh.
Petrie.
Did I miss it, did I miss it?
I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.
They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much. Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry...
Thanks, Ross.
Ok.
Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.
Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.
Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!
Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.
Ok, who wants to hear something ironic? Commercial Break
They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next... la la la la la la.
This is so great.
I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. I'm sorry, you were fighting.
Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!
Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.
You guys, he's beautiful!
Susan, he looks just like you.
Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. Look, he's opening his eyes.
Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist! Credits
We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew...
So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your special someone?
Hey.
How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
Jeez, you say one thing, and...
Oh, let me see!
Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the--
So you do know who he is! Sorry.
Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Remembered what?
Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
I know. This is really, really huge.
Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
Here, look, alright, does this help?
Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
Maybe there's someone else.
Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?
Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
Yes.
'Cause, you know, if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.
Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?
All right, so what were you thinking?
Oh. No.
Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings. Phone rings
I'm still on "no".
What's goin' on?
Ewww!
Where?
Hey, hey Ross.
Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
All right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.
All right. Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.
All right, that's it, I quit.
Yeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
Demi Moore.
Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
Oh, oh, oh my god!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?
Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.
It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, you come on in.
Thank you.
You wanna do it right now?
Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andy McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. Oh my god, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?
I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.
Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.
Woof, woof.
What?
Oh, all right. What did I have?
Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.
I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.
Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.
Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, uh, boobs.
Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.
Ben, dinner!
Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok.
I licked my arm, what?
So?
You won't even taste it?
Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?
Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.
Come on. It doesn't taste bad.
You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. Oh, I really needed that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.
I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."
Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
Nah. Not really.
I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
Yeah, I just don't buy it.
Ok, don't get me started on gravity.
Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
Really? You can actually see it?
See, I didn't know that.
Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
He's even kind of cute.
I'd call that excessive.
Janice? You called Janice?
Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?
I can't believe you caved.
You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.
Uh huh. Why is that?
Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
You're there!
Um, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20?
It's Ross.
Can you believe how much this is gonna cost?
Yes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, someplace nice, you know? God, and it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this birthday thing, it's for Ross.
Let's see!
Wow, look at these prices.
Um, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
I'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? No! Rachel just had that, that, that salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
Not for you.
Fine. All right, fine.
Well, then...Let's.
No, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
Yeah.
Oh, it's like a skit.
Cool.
So...Thank you.
Actually, it makes us feel that big.
I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
Oh, well, then you'll have extra seats, you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Fine.
Ok. One.
We just have to really, really, really, not let stuff like money get--is that a hickey?
Oh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. We're just like, sitting at home, trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck".
Oh.
No, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everyting.
No, not wieght... y'know, more like insulation.
Your boobs are fine. Look, I never should have said anything. Come here. Come here. Oh, can't make.... hands... meet.... OPENING TITLES
Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt, ordered champagne, nice.
Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.
Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.
Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.
No, I felt it on my hip. You could tell.
Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
So, I figured it out.
Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm.
Hey Joey.
How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
And we did.
Yay me.
Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking... I convinced him.
Um-hum.
Ok, all right. We want to hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
Oh.
Ok, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
Ok, so, ok, was he holding you? Or was his hand like on your back?
Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
Hey, oh, so, um...how'd you make out last night?
Oh, well, actually.
Ok, all right.
Ok, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".
There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide!
It's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
What makes it pilgrim?
Hey.
No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.
Oh, oh sweet Lord! This is what evil must taste like!
I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.
What?
What were you thinking?
Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my God, you should see the size of his Christmas Balls.
I can see that. A plate of brownies once told me a limerick.
Not especially. But you know what, I think they had pot in them.
Hey.
Happy Christmas Eve Eve. Oh my God, where did you get this?
This is my father, this is a picture of my dad.
No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, I'll show you.
No, that's my stepdad. My real dad's the one that ran out on us before I was born.
OK, look, see, this is him. My mother gave me this picture before she died, same guy.
It's not a blue screen... it's just, maybe it was just really clear that day. OK, I have to talk to my grandmother.
Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
Um, gram, um, can I see the pictures of my dad again?
Just, you know, to see... um.
OK, is this really my father?
OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
Ya know, in all the years that we have been grandmother and granddaughter, you have never lied to me.
Oh God.
Alright, so, what, he's not a famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess, OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma where there's no phones?
OK, that makes no sense. Why would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Oh.
Oh.
Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . . Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you shouldn't call youself information.
Hello grandma, if that is in fact your real name.
Well, not so good. Upstate's pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the math.
No I just, just wanted to know who he was, ya know.
Whattaya mean?
Wow. Thank you.
Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! Commercial
Hey.
Can you believe this. In, like, two hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk.
OK, let's go.
Alright, here, you have to hold this.
Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat sheet.
Oh, no no, that side doesn't have one, the paramedics had to cut through it.
Ooh, this is it, 74.
Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, huh.
OK, here I go. I'm goin' in.
OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm goin'.
OK.
Mailbox.
Uh-huh.
No, it's just like, ya know, it's a whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like, yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy and. . .
Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, and, and I'll knock on the door and, and he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, you know, I'm Franks daughter.
Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, what if he's not this great dad guy? I mean, what if, what if he's just still the dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? You know what? I've already lost a fake dad this week and I don't think I'm ready to lose a real one.
Yeah?
You guys. I'm sorry about your shopping.
Oh, I couldn't go in.
Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough for now.
Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
You guuuyys.
Although, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.
OK. The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction...
Are... are you OK?
Oh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better. Fun
Fun Bobby is so great.
Half full of looooovvvvve.
Cabin of loooooovvvvve.
Two.
Yeah. Oh, OOOH, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was soooo wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were soooo bombed,' or, ummm, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
Um, cake.
Sooo, what's goin' on, huh? Fun
Ooohh, why?
Hey.
Ohh, ohh, Lorne Green?
Oh, no.
Oh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
Hey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.
But you guys came so close.
That is funny. Fun
It's not that bad.
OK, OK, don't get all squinky.
Alright, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
Rachel? Um, hi.
OK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
Well, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of someone?
Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
Oh, my, oh!
I, OK....
Bye.
You don't see it? You actually don't see it?
OK honey, you're dating Ross.
Russ is Ross. Russ... Ross!
OK, noone is named Sleeve.
What's with all the bottles of liquor?
So... and?
Hi.
Oh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.
Hey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
Oh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
Um, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Yeah, um, she was 82 years old. Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
Yeah, it's just so strange. I mean, she probably woke up today and thought, "ok, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, I was cleansing her aura when she died, and when the spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
I think it went into me.
Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.
I don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. Sit up! Mrs.
I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course, that's before she got the lousy face lift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
I don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? Mrs
In my day, divorce was not an option.
That's him.
Yes, hi, Mr. Adelman. Thanks for meeting me. Mr.
Um, do you wanna sit? Mr.
I don't know how to say this, but I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me. Mr.
Yeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around? Mr.
Everything? Mr.
Whoa, that's a lot of stuff. Mr.
I'm sorry, there's laughing in my head. Mr.
Hey. What a day. I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.
Yeah. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. Oh, such a pretty face. Mrs.
Monica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
Sir! No sir!
Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
Oh my god. Now I've seen everything! Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
I miss Rose.
I know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and now I just feel kind of alone.
Ok, that's so nice.
Yeah, me, too, technically.
I can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, ya know, the little pouty chin.
Ooh, where are you off to, Travelin' Jake?
Oh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
I know, I know. Hello.
Hi Rob Dohnen.
Oh, wow.
Oh, I would love to have kids. . . you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them.
I know.
No, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
I'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. Ya know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, ya know, and kids listen. This is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
OK. OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes. Hi everybody, I'm Phoebe
OK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes, she bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike. But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner. Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru, but the truth is she died and some day you will too. La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la...
There'll be times when you get older when you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you. . . But don't. Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.
Yay, I rock.
But.
I sense these things. It was either but or butter.
I can do that.
Yeah.
Thinkin' about it.
OK, hi again.
Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo, Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up, And that's how we get hamburgers. Nooowww, chickens!
Fired! Why?
I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
I see.
No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
Who's Barney.
OK, Rachel, I'm ready.
Um, yeah I guess that's me.
OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
Stick a fork what?
Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
Oh, you just know.
OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass. Monica and
Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?
Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
Oh my God.
You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.
Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
About 20 minutes. CLOSING CREDITS
Oh, some guy she met at the movies.
Hang in there, it's gonna happen.
Because she's your lobster.
C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . .
So, do you have any other possibilities?
What is that sparkly thing?
Do you want a refill?
OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my penis now.
It's not that bad.
Chandler, Chandler.
I think she's OK.
Do the claws again.
Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.
Hey now you have two. Oh, now you have two.
Hey, Mon, what is this?
See, he's her lobster. CLOSING CREDITS
I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
Hey cool, mine too.
OK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.
I can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
It's James Bond.
That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there. Dr.
You are so smitten.
Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.
So. You two are totally into each other.
OK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?
Didn't you like, just get your eyes checked?
We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs. Chandler and
You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.
Hey.
Goodnight.
You're not the only one who has a date tonight.
Oh God, absolutely.
Oh you are so lucky.
Hey.
Ooh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?
Ahh.
Okey-doke.
Um, I'm getting a lily for my Mom. 'Cause her name's Lily.
I think on my shoulder.
Um, a chip. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.
No, I think you should tell them.
OK Rach, which, which lily? This lily or that lily?
I like this lily. It's more open, ya know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh. Tattoo
Here we go.
You're not going?
What? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?
I don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, c'mon what is this, 1922?
Just, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but is sounds horrible. Do you want to get this tattoo?
OK, hey, HEY. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
OK, who is the boss of you?!!
No. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!!
Oh that looks so good, oh I love it.
Ahh. OK, let's see yours again.
Oh OK. Oh no, oh it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
No.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?
Wanna see mine, wanna see mine?
OK, well then what is this?
OK, that's my tattoo.
OK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the earth as seen from a great distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
I know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.
Hey, excellent, excellent water-table thing.